High school sweetheart vs husband

This is a long one. But I need to get it off my chest somehow and just get an honest feel for what people think and if anyone else experiences it.. this is 7 years of memories and trauma I’m sharing. Please take it all into consideration.

My high school sweetheart and I have grown up together. From about 12-22 years old. We dated for 6/7 years. His mom practically was my second mom. I still talk to her. Anyways here’s the long story.
My high school sweetheart and I started dating around 14 years old. We were the best of friends and never had many issues. At all, honestly the more I think back on it the more amazed I am at how good of a relationship we built so young. Anyways, we both were super young and motivated. I’ve only ever imagined a life with him. I was truly head over heels in love with him. He taught me what love was since I came from a family who didn’t. I struggle with depression and anxiety but when I was with him, life just felt perfect. He made me feel so comfortable and normal. I hardly ever got depressed during our relationship. I was truly a bubbly and happy person 24/7. We always had a good time no matter what. We were always together and always had a physical connection anytime in public which made me feel so comfortable around him. When we were 18 we bought our first home together and lived together happily for around 4 years. I started to notice things and could feel our connection breaking slowly. We tried to keep it alive but we never really knew how. I remember the night that I felt like he didn’t care and it was because I asked him to grab my pads for me and he didn’t know what type I used… after 6 years. That same night I tried to take a selfie with him and he didn’t smile and it just really hurt my feelings. I thought about that continuously. This was in October. Come November we were sleeping in separate rooms and in the roommate phase. We both knew we were in a rut but it took a while for us to address it. On Thanksgiving we had talked after I left on a trip for a week. We broke up that night in our living room. I didn’t want it but I could just feel that it needed to happen. I didn’t stop crying for Days. I had to call out of work so much. I couldn’t get the sadness out of my head. But I slowly started to run out of tears. Which helped but I just remember being sick for weeks. Meanwhile he didn’t really seem bothered much… we stayed living together and decided on a break rather than a complete breakup.. I left to see family for a few weeks and he and I decided to stay in a break and when I got back that we would try again to work on us. We didn’t talk much on this break but when I was driving back I kept calling him. I just wanted to talk to him and hear his voice. I remember him making a comment about this guy who hit on me. He told me to give him a chance. It really hurt me at the moment but I laughed it off. Anyways, we had shared our location but I never checked his. When I was about 3 hours away I called him again and told him when I would be home. He acknowledged it but didn’t really seem like he wanted to talk. I ignored it because I didn’t want it to feel real. Anyways, I get home and I’m so excited to see him!! I walk in the house ready to see how it goes. He wasn’t there… I didn’t want to be annoying and call. So I checked his location - he had turned it off. I kept wondering where he could be but didn’t want to bother him. Instead of unpacking or eating I just left everything and went straight to my bed I remember crying myself to sleep. I wish I could’ve just hugged him. I remember missing him so much. Anyways he had gotten home and we started to talk again I could tell he was distant. We sat on opposite couches in the living room. Just chatting. Then we both were on his phones and I notice he took a selfie. My heart instantly fell into my stomach. I felt so sick and angry. He never sends pictures of himself to anyone but me. I just instantly knew. So I asked him he admitted to there being someone else he wants to pursue. I felt so blindsided and sad. I remember felt so sick that night that I left the house. I pulled over to just puke and cry. I didn’t know at this point what to do. I was 20… my whole life felt like it was over. Anyways, after I could stomach talking to him I asked if he wanted to try again. He said that he did but he also didn’t want to jeopardize this chance with the other girl. I asked him to please give me a week or something of his attention to see if he felt any different. He still texted her. I told him we needed to figure this out. We decided to continue to try. He kept talking to this girl though and when she found out we were still trying she flipped out (she was dating someone else at the time). Anyways… lots of back and forth during this and we kinda talked to other people. We were also actively having sex. Idk why I did honestly. I guess I thought it would make us feel connected. We talked again and he told me he couldn’t imagine a life without me in it. I was feeling slightly better about the breakup but this drew me all back to my emotions. I asked him to please stop talking to this girl and let us try for real this time!! He said he would. I kept getting sick and thinking I was just heartbroken because it has happened before. Then I thought maybe ulcers. Nope.. this went on for a full week and after telling one of my friends she said “what if you’re pregnant” as a joke. I had not been on birth control and I started freaking out.. I took a test, it was positive. I kept it to myself for a week and took multiple different ones. All positive. My cousin had came to visit so I didn’t say anything yet. Once my cousin left I took another test, my high school sweetheart was in the bedroom. I kind of just started going through all the emotions of how in the world I was going to tell him this. Of course after all these years this would be when I finally get pregnant. Of course, because life just does this to you. I worked up the courage and decided to just walk in with the test to hand it to him. I walk in and he’s on the phone… with the girl he said he wasn’t talking to anymore. I got so mad. We never fought and never yelled or called names. Ever. We were always so level headed. But I walked over, took his phone and hung it up. I showed him the test and just started crying and yelling at him. This is my first experience of ever telling someone I was pregnant… it was stolen from me. Anyways he goes on to say that he would support me and asked if I wanted to keep it. Of course I did but also at the same time was so scared to be so young and alone raising it. I wanted him to step up but I didn’t want a baby on these terms. We fought a little bit but never bad or mean. He made it clear he didn’t think he wanted to be in my life but he did the babies - maybe. He said he would try to not talk to this girl considering the circumstances and give us a real a real chance. After the next day he just seemed so depressed and sad. It broke me seeing him like that. I couldn’t do it. I saw how much he wanted to be with that girl. So I told him he needed to make a choice. When he told me he couldn’t I told him I didn’t deserve to be a choice and that I’ll answer it for him. I told him to pursue her because he just didn’t seem at all interested in me. I told him we would figure it all out and that it would be okay. I told him I was scared and upset it happened when it did. But we couldn’t control what was actively happening and I wanted him to be happy. I didn’t want us to force a family because my kids deserve a mom and dad genuinely in love. We stayed talking and still slept in the same bed. I know it was weird but it gave me comfort not feeling alone somehow. I started talking to another guy just for some attention and he continued to pursue this girl. We started to get along better and still went grocery shopping together. We decided that we had just grown apart and that it was okay. It was sucky but it happens. We decided we both wanted different things in life but the baby would come first if I decided to keep it.

After about 6-8 weeks I started heavily bleeding and cramping. I called out from work this day thinking I started my period. I didn’t know what was going on so I took a test still. It still showed positive. I went to the doctors alone and got send home with the diagnosis of miscarriage. As hard as that felt mentally. (Which is just a whole other story) I knew it was probably for the better and that I could end up finding peace with it. After about a week when I felt comfortable I told him. He was so relived. It hurt me. My stomach hurt so bad seeing his relief but I acted like I was too. Because I didn’t want to show him that side of me. We ended up becoming pretty civil and continued being intimate but way more careful. I finally met up with my now husband and decided that we needed to stop living together and doing what we were doing. By this time we had lots of talks about our relationship and how we could grow or where we went wrong. I felt immense sadness and anxiety telling him we needed to figure out our living arrangements. It felt so weird to even be giving this new guy my attention. But he made me feel special. My high school sweetheart moved out. But we shared dogs together so we did switch off every now and then and I let him come visit my dog as well. We would talk during this and it was always friendly and he would joke about us getting back together. I always told him I have someone now and they deserve their chance. He was actively talking to girls. So I always thought it was a joke for him. I could always feel sadness when he would leave though. I didn’t really ever want to say bye. But I knew I had to, I had to move on. My now husband and I did long distance. But he made me feel so happy. He made me feel less alone.

He was military. He traveled to a base close to me. I was supposed to go see him. Around this time he stopped responding to me as much. He was always out partying. (We were just dating at this point) Around 4 am I got a text from my ex telling me one of our best friends had just died. I couldn’t believe it. I instantly texted back asking how and all the details. I then called my current husband. He didn’t answer. And when he finally was available to talk all he said was “that really sucks” and then he started talking about his temporary base. I felt so uncompleted, un heard, etc. I needed to talk to someone who would understand. My ex actually came over and we talked all about it. I cried. It felt so good to talk to someone. He hugged me and I remember feeling so at home it made me cry more. (This happened about 4 months into him moving out and I had been with my now husband for 3 months)

More contxt: We had went to a dinner together with this friend after our breakup and it was the last time all 3 of us were together. At this dinner my ex was talking ab the girl he liked and how he was interested because of how new and young her body was. It wasn’t one he had before (mine). It really upset me. I left and called my mom outside. I waited for them to get done. We all left. We still lived together at the time of this dinner.

Our friend’s funeral was out of state. We decided to travel together with one of our other friends and shared a hotel. At the hotel he broke down and told me about how much he loved me and regretted what we went through. For the first time he showed me emotion and a really heartfelt explanation and such a fulfilling moment. I could tell he genuinely wanted a chance again and that he regretted and had grown since living alone. He wasn’t talking to anyone at this time he said he couldn’t and it just felt wrong. (Everything also felt wrong giving my now husband the attention) so I understood what he meant. We had a really really deep talk about everything. It was so mature and honestly just heartbreaking. We spent the longest time together just chatting about everything he wanted to change and why he wanted to be with me. Etc. I felt like a terrible person. I wanted to hop into his arms and say yes. Say let’s fix it. He was all I ever imagined my life with. It was such a traumatic moment. I still think about it all the time. I didn’t fully believe him though. He had hurt me before and I was scared to experience it again. He told me he would show me the rest of my life how much he lives and appreciates me. How sorry he was for all he said or had done to make me feel the way I’d do. He talked about how much perspective losing me has brought to his life. Anyways, I know it sound probably weird to readers but just know it was a very mature and thoughtful conversation. It wasn’t love bombing, narsacisstic, or immature. I just don’t know how to word it. I wanted to give him a chance so bad.

Here is the reason . I didn’t. My now husband was already brought into this. He made me feel loved and admired. Looking back now it was just because he was new and giving me attention when I needed it. He wasn’t as attentive as I thought. I just had rose colored glasses on. I told my ex I couldn’t give him another chance. Because it was so unfair to my now husband, that he deserved his chance now. It broke my heart and it the moment it felt like the mature choice. But I honestly regret it so so so much. I was just so scared of how it would affect my husband’s feelings. Either way I was hurting someone’s feelings and mine both ways. I decided since I was my husband’s first choice that I had made the right decision. Like I said I still regret it. It just what made sense in my heartbroken 20 year old mind.

I couldn’t listen to songs, eat certain foods/places, cook certain meals, or smell certain things without thinking about my ex. I thought about him almost daily. But I loved my now husband and was having so much fun with him.

Anyways I continued to date my husband. Occasionally I would see my ex and still get butterflies. It was weird and it hurt my heart. I told myself it was normal and that as time passed it would get easier.
We remained good friends and still are on good terms.

It did get slightly easier when I would leave the small town frequently to visit out of state family and friends. I went to visit my husband again and we decided to elope. It felt wrong in the moment but also so right. I just felt young, carefree, and reckless with my husband. Which I didn’t really experience with my ex because we were so driven to grow up and achieve success as fast as we could. I don’t know how to explain it. I think I just really wanted us to work (my husband and I). I was happy with him but I never stopped thinking about my high school sweetheart. I really wanted to move on though. I knew getting back with my ex would ruin my chance with my husband. I didn’t want to jeopardize that either. Fun fact right before we eloped I accidentally called my husband my exes name. He never caught it. But I think about that so much. I had never slipped up. Why that day???

Anyways. It did get easier. The thought became less frequent but I could always feel the love for my high school sweetheart there. I always had reminders. It felt like torture. I just thought it was normal and would go away. Like everyone says. It will stay with you but it’s just the good memories you will remember and not the bad. So I always told myself that. But I kept a journal of all the good and bad. All the thoughts I had. I wrote them down to help. I could finally after a year and a half listen to songs again without crying. I felt at peace. I was moving on, healing, and being with my husband was helping me.

Once I moved in with my husband… that’s when everything kind of changed. My husband is amazing in his own way but he doesn’t really know how to talk to me. He has terrible conversational skills. But I told myself to stop comparing him to my ex he deserves his own clean slate. He stopped helping with house chores and started drinking. I caught him on only fans and watching porn. He apologized and promised to work on it. We did and were happy for a while. Then The drinking started back. It stopped after me complaining and losing my shit. Then it started back and it’s just a back and forth. It has exhausted me. My husband loves me and he spoils me and he’s never been mean in the way most drunks are but I don’t want that life and I feel so unhappy. We have talked but I just feels wrong to be with him. I don’t know if we will ever be able to get back to how we once were but he says he wants to try for me because he doesn’t want to lose me. It’s hard for me to believe him because he has said this before. But I just cannot leave him. Especially leave him alone at this base he extended at to be with me. I just feel so so so incredibly awful. I feel guilty for everything.

I still think about my high school sweetheart. I still know that I am in love with him. It never stopped but I thought I would be able to forget about him and move on by now. I just don’t know what the hell im doing. I’m 25 now. I’ve been with my husband for going on 4 years now. I’m so confused and hurt and angry. I feel so bad bringing my husband into this. I feel so bad I didn’t give my ex that chance. I genuinely don’t know what the right decision is.

I always daydream about my ex and our amazing relationship we had before the break up. How he would reach out and send me love letters. How he made a playlist for me. My two love languages.

My husband never even bothers to do this stuff even though I tell him how much I admire it and crave it. My husband stopped getting me flowers and showing affection and doing all these small things. Even when I bring it up and ask he still never does. But I know that he loves me he just shows it differently. It’s not fair I expect him to love me how my ex did. I just feel so lost. I feel like a terrible person and I have so many regrets.

Lately my ex and I’s dog died and it has just made me so so regretful of giving up on him and I. We were such a power couple and I would give anything for him. I would do anything for him. I never tried to have kids with my husband because it feels wrong. I know this is fucked up. I want to have kids with him. I don’t know why but when I think of kids I always see my ex and it feels like a sick joke.. But I need to get this out. I’ve held it in for too long. I have had a long talk with my husband about the change we need and the emotional connection I lack for him. How it just feels wrong. He doesn’t want me to leave and wants to work on it. But I just don’t know…. He always says that. I feel like I owe him so much. But I also know I’m valid for being over this cycle. I feel terrible about having these feelings about my ex while being with him. I always thought it was normal but I’m starting to think maybe I need to have a long conversation with myself in the true meaning.

I should also add that I have been diagnosed with endometriosis and conceiving seems to be near impossible… so I feel like that connection of me really really wanting to be a mom is so strongly tied to my high school sweetheart because he gave me that chance. We have talked and we agreed that we could be back together and love it and make it work but. I can feel we are meant to be. I know he does too. I just don’t know if that is in this lifetime.

I just feel terrible for bringing someone else into it. My husband just has so much growth to do. I wanted to have a family by now and my husband did promise that to me when we were in our amazing relationship after getting married. But since he has continued to show me he isn’t ready to be a husband or a father. While I watch my high school sweetheart only get more attractive (not like visually but as a good partner to have kids with) he seems to be so mature and giving these days.

I don’t know if this is meant as a sign for me. I just want to be selfish and finally give myself what I want. A relationship and a family with whoever makes me happy. I know we have both grown and will would be amazing together but I also get sick thinking about leaving my husband. Even though we have had two talks now that it would change and still hasn’t. We have talked about divorce being the next step.

Here’s another thing. I’m so ready for kids and a family but I want to make sure I have an amazing husband before then. I’m not only choosing the guy for my kids but the man they will watch love their mom.

The thing is… my husband and I would be able to have kids and raise them with similar views and love. Without family overstepping. He loves to travel like I do. I know he would be a good dad but I really really need a good husband too.

My ex however… his family would push views onto our children and would massively overstep. (That’s why I was always scared for kids with him). However I know that I would have that relationship I want my kids to admire with him… However he doesn’t like to travel much and I feel the desire to travel so badly. I know I would need to in order to feel completed.

Good thing is I now have 4 more years under my belt and would be more than able to set rules and stand my ground…

My high school sweetheart always makes me feel so complete. Something always feels missing with my husband. I have recently had a very short call with my ex regarding a property we had owned together.. we are good friends but do not talk often at all because I want to respect my husband. I cannot help my thoughts but I can control my actions.

Has anyone ever experienced thoughts like this? Please take into consideration this is my life with real emotions and triggers. Be kind. Please.

I said earlier I struggle with depression and I am currently so depressed. I haven’t felt genuine happiness in so long. I’ve only been able to feel sadness. (I am going to therapy)
I just feel like I’ll continue this the rest of my life if after 4 years I still cannot shake him from my dreams and memories etc. but I also still have dramas with my husband. It doesn’t make sense…

There are so many other things I know I am forgetting but this is a basic summary of it all. Please be kind. Please share your stories as well. It is such a vulnerable subject for me and I just don’t want to make a decision I’ll regret my whole life. I just want genuine happiness in my life and I only get this life to have that.