Decision to transition?

I know that is something that everyone in the trans community sees all the time but please hear me out. I (25y/o) came out as trans (ftm) at age 14. I used to be super hypermasculine and dysphoric but I have honestly kind of grown out of it. I still have bottom dysphoria a lot and social dysphoria around strangers, but I like being somewhat feminine. Womens clothing feels better to my sensory issues- mens clothes are all so frumpy and stiff and feel awful on my body, so I typically wear feminine clothing. I am also very short so it makes it hard to pass- even when I wore hypermasculine clothing. I wanted to start T at 18 but then I got into a toxic relationship and all my friends left me and I completely forgot who I was. I went back to my birthname, went to an all girls college, and started to believe I would become a house wife for him. Then he cheated on me and we broke up and i’ve been slowly finding myself again. I began microdosing T a few years ago but I only got about two months in before Trump got elected and started threatening trans rights/freedom/medical stuff and I got scared and stopped. Because of this constant back and forth, I don’t know what to do anymore. I still like he/him pronouns and see myself as male. Just more of a femboy I guess.

My problem is that I want to start T again but im scared that its not the right choice for me. I want to be more androgynous and/or masculine looking, but since hormones can be unpredictable and uncontrollable, I worry I won’t like the end result. Besides, I have extreme height dysphoria and T can’t really do anything about that (I am 5’ nothing, an extra inch or two wouldnt help).

I want more masculine features, deeper voice, maybe some facial hair, muscle tone, bottom growth (and to be taller but I know thats unrealistic) I don’t want hair loss and/or excessive body hair growth, and I don’t want too much fat redistribution cause I like my figure. Its hard to imagine myself as a guy but not bc I dont want to be more masculine, more because I can’t picture what my features would look like as a boy- I can only imagine what I want to look like and not what I would actually look like.

How do I know starting T again is the right choice? Is there anyway to somewhat predict the effects? Or what do I do if I don’t like the way I look?

Any advice is appreciated. I used to be so sure of myself in high school and now my identity seems like a far away fever dream