I wish my dad loved me openly.

I was born into a financially privileged family. All the men in my family are businessmen, and by God's grace, we never struggled financially while growing up. But I've learned that money isn't everything a person needs. People also need love, affection, hugs, reassurance, and emotional connection.

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I'm the eldest daughter, and it's hard for me to admit this, but I have never truly felt loved by my father. I don't think he hates me. In fact, I've never done anything that would make him hate me. I was always an obedient child, did well in school, got good grades, never got complaints from teachers, and never caused trouble. Yet, I don't feel loved by him.

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I don't even have pictures with my dad except a few from early childhood. You'd probably find only three or four photos of him holding me. He's never hugged me, never held my hand, never patted my back and said, "I'm here for you." The only thing he has never hesitated to give me is money. If I ask for pocket money, he gives it without question. But I don't want his money as much as I want him to be my dad.

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I want him to hug me, tell me he's proud of me, make me feel seen and loved.

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What hurts even more is that my younger sister gets all of that. She's three years younger than me, and my father openly loves her. He hugs her, comforts her, tells her that even if the whole world turns against her, he'll always stand by her side. I've heard him say those words to her while I was in the same room. I've watched him give her the affection I've wanted my entire life.

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I don't hate my sister at all. But I can't help wondering: Why not me? Why was I the obedient, responsible child who still didn't feel loved by her own father?

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When I was 11, my father even slapped me over something that wasn't my fault. He has never slapped my sister. Even asking him for money now makes me feel sad and guilty. Sometimes I don't ask for things I genuinely need because something inside me feels uncomfortable taking money from him.

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I think this is where my daddy issues come from. I spent my whole life wanting my father to love me openly, and because I didn't get that, I find myself seeking the kind of love, protection, and emotional safety I never received from him. I've never been in a relationship, but I'm attracted to men who are much older than me, not just a few years older, but 10–20 years older. I think I'm drawn to maturity, reassurance, and the feeling of being loved and seen.

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I don't know if this is a wound, daddy issues, or something else entirely. I just know that I spent my whole life wanting my father, not his money.

I don't know what's the curse of being the eldest daughter, but sometimes it feels like being the strong, obedient child made me invisible.