shame/suicide idealation

hey guys this is a vulnerable post. I made this a because I don’t think I will ever be able to talk about this to anyone. this whole year I was a full blown alcoholic and I tried xans and liked them more then I thought. I am a person who has no self respect and to be honest I was planning on kmyself 3 months ago. At the end of my addiction run I didn’t have money. so I sold myself to an older guy I didn’t know so I could buy xans and not be aware when I do it. right after I did it I had an hour car ride back home and I just started re thinking everything. The shame and embarrassment I feel is so deep I feel disgusted that I let an old creep yk and I realized that night I don’t want to die anymore. I didn’t take the pills that night and just cried myself to sleep because why did I do that. I don’t know if this sounds serious because you would have to see it from my eyes to understand but this person was ugly and gross. I can’t live with this shame anymore and no I’m not a saint I’m known in my town to get around and no one likes me so I’m used to feeling used/ worthless. But this time it’s something I can’t shake off. my mom would be disgusted if she knew how I really was. I don’t know why I am like this. I know I am hyper sexual because I was r*ped but maybe it’s just who I am now. It’s hard to be sober because I have to face these emotions. if anyone has been through similar can you tell me how to stop thinking about it? Or how you got over this disgusting feeling.