DIL shows true colors. Feeling manipulated and used. Don’t even want to visit. Now what?

I was asked to attend the birth of my first grandchild over the weekend. My son (26m) and DIL(23f) asked for me to be in with them for labor and delivery but as she explained more so because I’m a critical care nurse and they felt more comfortable having me there in case of emergency. Ok, great. I wasn’t planning to be in there or the type of MIL to muscle her way in between her DILs legs at birth but was actually excited.

First off- I’m also giving grace. I’ve had 4 children and I understand birth front and backwards. I understand emotions run high, stress changes people and that not everything is picture perfect unicorns and rainbows and even more so because I am a seasoned nurse. I know how quickly things can change. This is where I insert the however- I am completely disgusted by her behavior towards my son. She was damn right nasty and demeaning and I watched his spirit leave straight from his body more than once.

He wasn’t allowed to voice how he felt, he wasn’t allowed to be anxious, he wasn’t allowed to sleep, shit, eat, or do anything that would take away from her. I never saw this side of her except little glimpses but they always seemed to be playful and in good fun. When she literally shushed him so nastily that she spit in his face I wanted to come unglued.

During all the commotion and she’d finally complete and ready to push my son was visibly excited but a little pale. Knowing he is squeamish he stayed at the head of the bed with a chair behind him. Since everyone was fawning over her as to be expected I asked him if he was excited and was he feeling ok? He answered yes, that he was just feeling a little anxious. The way her head whipped around like she was possessed and her hollering at him “YOU’RE THE ONE ANXIOUS?!” I don’t know, it was just one of those things that was a lightbulb moment like you knew it might be that way but the real personality was coming out under pressure and stress and she was actually behaving in true, real time fashion. Another point he reached for her hand and she threw it back at him because his hand was clammy. She was screaming at everyone and the nurses cursing and demanding and throwing a fit thrashing around and mind you she had an epidural.

After the baby was born and some time passed she made my son take off his shirt in front of everyone in the room to do skin to skin with the baby which made him I comfortable as he wanted it to be a private moment. I suggested maybe we leave the room and she snapped saying he was going to do it and bond with his baby.

She laughed and smiled and carried on with her mother and sister but when it came to us it was like we were ti be seen and not heard. I agreed to take photos for her and I kept that end of the deal. It’s like being in a room with conversation that’s completely exclusive and you listen and try to participate but even still you are out of place because you don’t know the “inside” stuff they speak of. I’m not one for small talk always but when it comes to that part it’s always extremely awkward. I get up and go for a walk and such but I’m always the straggler and just completely excluded when they’re present.

I also stayed the entire time and never left which was 45 hours after calculating the time I got there until I left. I slept 2 hours total. Sat straight up in a chair the entire time what time I wasn’t up and walking the room some. Her mother told her she’d have her stepdad bring food after the delivery and she took everyone’s order, to include her sister, and never once asked if I wanted anything and they all ate right on. My son asked me- mom you didn’t get food? I said I wasn’t asked. It’s ok, I’ll eat when I leave.

I was completely ignored after the fact of staying the entire time, supporting during laboring, and essentially being a make-shift doula through the process and couldn’t even be included in a post-birth meal. Come on now. How shitty can you be. Her mother did that intentionally.

Now, don’t misunderstand me. This isn’t all about me, but this also isn’t the first time I’ve been made to feel this way by her and now to see how she treated my son. I have the pictures that demonstrate his demeanor and how flat he went after her belittling him and her being so shitty. It breaks me having been there in real time and to visibly see the change.

When does her behavior become excusable based on circumstance or does it even matter?

At this point I don’t even want to visit. It isn’t an authentic feel and I don’t feel like I’m really wanted but more so used and manipulated by her now. My husband says he’s always seen it and doesn’t know how I’ve been so blinded by her manipulation. That he’s seen how she treats my son and he has always been on to her behavior.

A similar thing happened with the baby shower. I bent over backwards to essentially host within 4 days after a rain threat moved the location from her mother’s home. Her mother had a meltdown and acted nasty to me at the shower and even left early. Then my DIL & son left immediately after the shower becayse her mother was expecting her at her home to come visit with her aunt from out of town. This after they’d expressed go awful the mother was and how she treated my DIL and how upset they were over it. Again, completely obsolete and I just didn’t exist once the task was over. No real quality time spent with me before or after. And again not that it’s about me, it was just a blow when once more her mother is more important despite her own abuse towards my DIL.

I’ve spoken to DIL once since they went home yesterday and it was about how she had to hand the baby over to my son because it was just becoming too much and she was so tired.

Am I the monster-in-law like I feel to be for actually thinking or feeling this way?

I just can’t unsee some of the things I witnessed come through with her and some of these things were way before she even started with pain or in the thick of labor. She was induced so it was a long process. I feel so disconnected and like I’ve been in denial maybe.

I always make my problems so small so not to seem heavy and never get in my feels. I’m incredibly stoic about those kinds of things. I’m always the yes person and go along easily but this feels so different. Similar to the other times but this is more heavy for me.

One thing I am glad to have seen is that he was entirely more assertive once the baby was born and you could just see that something inside him switched instantly. The focus made an obvious change from her to the baby.

Am I being overly emotional or overthinking this? Seriously. I’m shocked by my own emotion honestly.