Seeking advice and guidance

Hi everyone!

Sorry if my English seems off, it's my fourth language. I know I probably sound weird or confused, but please remember I am a newbie and I grew up in a country where, technically, I could have been … by the government for even writing "I am sexually attracted to men."

I am a 23-year-old male. I immigrated to Germany a few months ago to study for a master's degree.

A bit about myself: I have been with three relationship, though not the best experiences. In public, my personality is masculine and a bit "bossy." I owned three different businesses in my country and started working from early teens, so yes, a bit bossy. :) However, in private (relationships and the bedroom), I always wanted to be more feminine. I just want to look more feminine and be free, perhaps something like a "femboy." To be honest, I don't know the right terminology for this.

When I imagine myself, I see a guy with smooth skin and no body hair, a bit childlike, so my partner spoils me, protects me, lets me cry on their shoulder, and so on.
I am more romantically attracted to women or very feminine-looking people with a penis (again, sorry, I probably am using the wrong word), but sexually I am attracted to both. When I am feeling the most subby, I get attracted to masculine men, but 99% of the time I am not. My tendencies for roles are maybe 60/40? More on the subby side.

For the last 5–6 years, when life feels too overwhelming or hard, I generally go into subby mode. At that moment, I just want to be protected, or the opposite of it. and then the aftercare.

I was planning to explore my sexuality more here in Germany, but in the last few months, a bit of people in Europe have been much more hateful towards us. Frankly, I am too ashamed of my skin color and shy of myself to even upload my picture to Grindr or other dating apps. Sometimes I am even ashamed to do regular activities in public. In my home country, I was comfortable and confident with work or university-related stuff, but I was shy in relationships or dating. Here, I am not that confident; probably part of it is due to my German language skills not being very good. I don't know.

Again, please don't laugh, but for the last 2–3 years, my dream has been to become a creator. It is something that's taboo and goes against everything I have been forced to learn and I can be real myself.

A few questions:

1. My legs, arms, back, and chest are hairy; I have shaved my whole body just one entire life and it sucked after the shave for itching and wearing cloth. Recently I looked into IPL devices. They are around 300 euros. Does anyone have any experience with this? How has it been?

2. I want to buy clothes for myself; where would you suggest? (I want something that covers my entire legs up to my private areas.) i want to post them🥹

3. What is your advice for dating? When I get to know someone I need a bit of time for warming up. I feel like no one would want to spend time for me to get more comfortable :(

4. If you have anything other advice its appreciated.

After i copied the text from my laptop, I am just saddd.
I wish someone would understand me.
I wish I could blend in society.
I wish I was born in another country.
I wish my skin color was different.
I wish I had someone to tell.

I worked 16-17 hour days for years to run from my country to be free. I fought for freedom with everything I had.
I got physically “hurt” dozens of times and put in solidarity for weeks by my own government when I was 16 for protesting, but now here everyone sees me as one of the same people I despise. I didn’t even came as asylum-seeker because I said it is not fair for the tax payers. But still they have called me …