Even though it makes no logical sense, my brain is convincing me there’s a possibility I said the n-slur, what do I do?

So, I (16f) have very extreme o c d, the other week I said a Korean name, which I personally had thought might sound slightly similar? (It was pronounced ny-gay) That’s not the problem now, because I’ve gotten over that part, but while I was worried about it, the slur was constantly on my mind, I was so scared, I started thinking about what that voice actor- Micheal kovach - had said, i was pondering whether if it was the word he said that was the problem originally, or the way he kept saying it as a replacement for a slur because he found the similarities funny, I specifically thought of this sentence, because I was thinking of what I’d think of it, it was ; “well, he may have said *insert first part of the word negative here* but he made it sound like the slur and pronounced it as such -“…

However, I do a thing where when I’m thinking of speaking, I kind of part my lips, and sometimes I breathe along to what I’m thinking, no lip movements past that, when this happens, my brain, I dunno how to explain it, kinda just merges the two? It can’t tell the difference and just assumes I’m speaking until the breathing is over, or sometimes, quite alike, I just breathe and my brain matches the words in my head to the sound, im not sure which happened in this situation, they’re both completely subconscious things I do with no intention behind them, but I guess it doesn’t really matter, all I know is either way it didnt sound anything like the word, naturally,, you cant say a word without using your vocal cords or moving your lips, but my brain keeps telling me “what if you’re in denial and you actually said the word and it just happened not to sound anything like it?” Sure, I have no memory of that, and the prospect didnt even come up until a whole day later because before that i was scared that if I’d breathed to the rhythm of it, it would be just as bad as saying the word..

I’ve done the breathing thing several times unintentionally afterward, never has it sounded like the words im thinking of, usually the rhythm is not even the same, my brain just fills in the gaps to make me think so, hell, I even recorded my breathing to make sure the most similar breathing rhythm to it possible didn’t sound like the word.

Yet I still couldn’t get over it, i was so scared I was lying to myself despite everything I know going against that, I even asked some people on twitter (i wanted to ask the people I knew wouldnt excuse any shit specifically ) to give me a hypothetical of if I *had* said the sentence and was told “it’s not really the same , because you would be speaking about the situation, not using the word as a replacement for a slur Like that guy did” yet… im still worried, I know, I sound crazy and ridiculous.

But even with almost absolute 99% certainty that it couldn’t have been the word, the tiny bit of worry I have that im lying to myself makes me unsure how to get over this.

Because to me, not saying the word = I’m a good person.

But, Me saying the word = I’m an awful person, I’d need to apologise, take accountability, accept that many people wouldnt give me forgiveness, and I knew I couldn’t live with not being a good person therefore I’d probably just enditall,

I know this sounds insane, but this is actually my worry, so much so that I’ve been worrying about it for 3 days straight and I feel like unless I can go back in time to confirm to myself , then I’ll never be able to get over it