***The Culinary Gods***

* **The Mother:** "I grew these vegetables from scratch! Please ignore the fact that the carrots are currently screaming and bleeding. They just do that when they're perfectly ripe."

* **The Moon:** "Drink this soup. It will cure your hemorrhoids, fix your posture, and it tastes exactly like cherry cough syrup."

* **The White Tower:** "According to my calculations, the Maillard reaction on this steak is mathematically flawless. Please do not chew asynchronously."

* **The Paragon:** "Behold! A steam-powered, fully automated, gear-driven mechanical marvel of unparalleled genius! ...It dispenses exactly one perfectly salted French fry per hour."


***The Michelin-Star Masters***

* **The Red Priest:** "WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S UNDERCOOKED? IT'S PERFECTLY CHARRED, *YOU FOOL!*"

* **The Door:** "I wandered across galaxies upon galaxies to gather the necessary ingredients for this perfect meal. Half of them are strictly prohibited, and the cosmic police from three different galaxies are currently looking for us because of smuggling. Eat fast."

* **The Tyrant:** "I seared this Wagyu with a localized lightning strike. Yes, the restaurant may be gone, the neighborhood may be on fire, and you may become permanently deaf, but the crust is worth that."


***Competent Home Cooks***

* **The Justiciar:** "The recipe mandates 3.5 grams of salt and exactly 12 minutes in the oven. I have executed the baker next door for using 3.6 grams. Enjoy your perfectly legal muffin."

* **The Sun:** "I have Purified this chicken of all bacteria, sins, and moisture! It is now a holy, glowing brick of pure protein! Praise the Sun!"

* **The Twilight Giant:** "I was dicing the potatoes, then I accidentally cleaved the cutting board, the counter, and... the tectonic plate beneath us. But look at those perfectly diced slices!"

***The Fast Food***

* **The Darkness:** "It is 4:00 AM. Why are you so tired? Here is a perfectly toasted grilled cheese and a coffee *(it's strong enough to kill a horse.)* Goodnight."

* **The Hermit:** "Here. *(injects knowledge regarding the fast food restaurants' numbers)* Now, leave me alone."


***Questionable Methods***

* **The Demoness:** "Yes, it's the most delicious stew you've ever had. No, I will not tell you why it's making you feel that way. Just eat it, *sweetie~*"

* **The Visionary:** "I knew you wanted pizza, so I Envisioned a pizza. You are currently chewing on empty air, but admit it, the vibes are immaculate."

* **The Error:** "I actually stole this from the guy at table 4. He is very confused, right now. And angry, be quick and eat it before he finds you."

* **The Black Emperor:** "Replacing meat with carrots was a  GOOD IDEA! Don't you have any conscience? And? What if we're trying to cook a steak!?!"

* **The Wheel of Fortune:** "I didn't actually cook anything. I just went for a walk, tripped over a rock, and miraculously fell into a five-star kitchen right as they were plating the chef's special. I brought it home for us."

* **The Fool:** "I completely burned the roast, panicked, and.. quietly summoned a Historical Void Projection of a 5-star meal to hide my shame. Don't stop chewing, it won't disappear in five minutes."


***Extreme Health Code Violations***

* **The Hanged Man:** "My blood is wine and my flesh is—hey! Why are you running?! Come back here!"

* **The Abyss:** "If you do not eat every single bite of this [Bleep]ing casserole, I will drag your soul into the [Bleep]ing depths of the Abyss and [Bleep] your entire bloodline... I told that you have to eat everything on the plate, boy! Whether they scream or not is not my problem!"

* **The Chained:** "I was making a lovely roast for you... but then the full moon came out, I turned into a werewolf, and ate it raw. Sorry about the kitchen."

* **The Death:** "The recipe said to dry-age the beef for 30 days... I might have misread it and aged the beef for 30 years in a subterranean mausoleum. Yes, I know, it's crawling off the plate, just stab it with your fork."

I saw everyone do this, so here's mine (LoTM General)