I don't know if this ist just rsd kickin' in or if i'm truly falling apart (at work)

Right now I feel like my life is slipping away from me and everything is falling apart — especially me. I'm completely lost and I honestly don't know what to do with all this.

I do have an appointment with a psychologist next week, but I'm not expecting much from it. It never brought any relief, but even more feeling not understood.

The problem is that this feels urgent right now, and I keep going in circles in my own head.

Looking back, this didn't start recently. Over time I withdrew more and more, stopped enjoying things, became increasingly confrontational with people because I was exhausted by the same old bullshit, and just generally more dissatisfied with everything. Everything felt boring. Everything felt meaningless.

A few weeks ago I got laid off. Officially it was because of budget cuts, but honestly I think my personality probably played a role too.

I actually felt pretty comfortable in that job. It gave me a lot of freedom. Maybe I pushed that freedom too far in the end, but it genuinely did me good.

The people there were all a bit unusual in their own ways, which is exactly why it suited me so well. But apparently I let myself go too much.

Most of the complaints about me came from women. The usual stuff: too direct, too arrogant, too bossy, not nice enough, not polite enough, and so on.

Some of that is probably true. Sometimes I am like that.

But even when I've made a conscious effort to be polite throughout my life, people never seem to see it that way. Slowly but surely I stopped trying so hard to be nice because it didn't seem to make any difference. People treated me like shit either way. At least being direct takes less energy.

I've got a new job now, and after less than two weeks I was called into a meeting where the exact same things came up again. Not motivated enough. Not engaged enough. Never mind that I'd already stayed late a few times to help out — that never got mentioned. Arrogant because I said I already knew how to do certain things. I was just trying to make onboarding easier and show them they didn't need to explain every basic concept from scratch. Apparently that went over terribly. I was told I need to learn my place instead of constantly showing what I can already do.

That completely blindsided me because, honestly, I genuinely don't understand most of the criticism. I don't know what exactly I'm supposed to be doing differently.

And I can't do this anymore.

It's hitting me way harder than it probably should. I called in sick because I can't even face them right now.

I can't keep hearing the same things over and over again, and I can't keep pretending to be someone I'm not.

And I keep wondering how this is supposed to end.

How am I supposed to keep working? How do I turn off the bullshit detector that's now going off at the smallest inconsistency? How do I keep swallowing the resentment that's built up over years of feeling misunderstood, excluded, ignored, and betrayed?

I don't seem to fit into any workplace, and I've still got another twenty years of working ahead of me.

And I don't really expect help from anywhere because even talking about this and putting my thoughts into words is incredibly difficult for me most of the time.

I can't do this anymore.

I don't want to do this anymore.

My life feels over. I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to keep going without completely falling apart and ending up broke and alone.

I have no energy left. No motivation left. No patience left for this thing people call life.

I just can't.

(Please excuse my english I've written this in my own language first).