Shame Shame and More Shame About A Lot of Things

TW: talks of sexual abuse, pretty obscene feelings by general standards, very mean spirited thoughts on myself; if any of these would trigger you, please know you're more important than any interaction under this and I want things to be better for you because you deserve so many good things.

I don't want to be assaulted and I don't want to be a victim of CSA and I don't want to have to go through what they go through (at least I don't think think so); victims of assault or abuse owe me no sympathy or telling me that it's okay (even though I'm begging that you don't yell at me under this post haha please). People try to keep the victims of neglect and victims of CSA apart and divide them as if they don't overlap and as if they don't have similar feelings to each other that many others wouldn't understand. We're not competition for who has it the most shit and I don't want you to feel like I'm trying to drown you out or invalidate you. Please skip, and if I have, I apologize profusely.

I try my best all the time to help as much as I can and I want to be able to help more in the future. Perhaps these feelings were triggered because, throughout the year, I have been struggling to get a website reported and taken down for exploitative material. I have done everything I can and I'm sure there's nothing else I can try. I have been navigating it on my own since I was 17 and I was already dealing with a lot of my own stuff; it felt very hopeless.

Inside my head I just keep having the thought about wanting to be one of those girls; like, family vlog girls and content farm kids, a child actor, one of those girls in traditionally effeminate forms of... Being hurt. A part of me feels sad that it wasn't me. I'm not jealous-jealous; I feel so terrible for these girls and it makes me cry to think of how much of their life was used and exploited. I know I wouldn't be happy and it entails every bit of the embarrassing and traumatizing things these people recount.

But on the otherhand, so much of my life I've been exploited while just being seen as ugly or disgusting. Nobody stopped it because I looked sturdy enough to handle it; I wasn't precious enough for anyone to think twice about making me work or stay out or neglecting me. I was smelly and large and I looked way older than I was and not in a "good" way; I was constantly exposed to waste and hazards but I wasn't frail. People liked me because I worked hard and because I was sorta sweet; nobody worried at all because I was big and ugly and cringy.

Maybe it's me getting in my own head over what had happened but I know that I have been treated differently because of my looks (height, muscle, generally kinda being gnarly; I got a lot of "my friend thinks you're cute" followed by running away); for so long, I had to forgo showers and clean clothes and a clean space to sleep in. I got injured by animals and was surrounded by nasty, harsh chemicals and biohazards. The years that followed were also shit for my life. I've been gross and lonely for so long.

I don't hate these girls and I feel so bad for how I feel; I want them to be safe and happy and I work my hardest to make a better society so that the sexually exploited can live in a better place. But what comes of ugly exploited girls? Every piece of media about abused women feels like it outlines ways I wasn't hurt as the ways all real women are; they were so obviously small and vulnerable and that's the tragedy. What's tragic about a big, ugly, filthy girl aside from the fact that you have to experience her?

Maybe I just wish that they could see me or worry about me the way I worry and see them; I wish that there was something left to show that I was hurt, how I was hurt, and that despite everything, I was desired. I know it sounds insane but I feel like so many people feel some manner of it (the desire to be sexually abused to prove desire or worth); yet still, how the hell do you talk about that to anyone professionally when it's hard enough to get them to try and understand why I'm sad and nonfunctional already?

Idk, beauty standards of trauma, society making one trauma so heinous in order to justify the other ones while not taking any of them seriously, etc. etc. It all feels like I was so ugly and nobody sexually exploited me so what does any of it matter, in the eyes of others. I probably shouldn't care as much but I'm only human and to be seen, even inadvertently, would feel better than feeling so disgusting and alone.