I don't feel seen or cared for, but I love her more than anything.

Been together two years. Getting married this fall.

There have been alot of instances where I just feel completely overlooked and un-cared for. I would say typical man stuff. Like, being judged when I have a bad day or am feeling emotional about something. When I express something not going well in my life, she takes it as her fault then it starts a fight and becomes about her feelings instead of mine. Less important things too like, she doesn't cook for me as much anymore, the sex and intimacy has slowed down significantly.

It came to a head yesterday. It was her day off and I asked her how she was doing. She talked for a while about some things she was dealing with and I fully engaged with her. Then she asked how I was doing and I expressed some things I was struggling with that weren't even about her at all. She more or less said that today was her day off and she wasn't looking to discuss or deal with anything heavy from me.

It just felt devastating. I kinda wore my heart on my sleeve and expressed something I was really struggling with. She pretty much said she didn't have the time or desire to deal with me.

This has never happened before but I immediately just felt this surge of anger and thought to myself, "well, if I'm not going to get these things from you, I'll get them from someone else". And I haven't stopped thinking about cheating since. This is not my M.O. at all. I have never cheated on any partner. But I'm hurt and feel like lashing out.

I love her with everything in me. I don't want to leave her and I don't want to hurt her. But there seems to be an on-going pattern that I feel like a lot of men deal with where there is nobody that wants to help me or take care of me. I am the person that provides and takes care of everybody else and there is no room for me to need something for myself. And that really sucks and hurts.

I can't get the thought of cheating out of my head. I know that it's just a reaction to feeling hurt, but the thought lingers all the same. I'm not looking for anything except the feeling of somebody just wanting me for who I am. That I'm not a burden. And that my value is not tied up in what I do or provide for people. At the end of the day, I don't actually want to cheat, I am sober minded enough to realize that there is nothing anybody else can offer me that is worth it because she is my person. But man, I feel so hurt and used.

Anyway, another day in the life I suppose. We keep providing, caring, protecting, and loving our families, regardless of how they make us feel. That seems to be the gig. Hopefully this is just a season, but it feels like a really big scary monster right now.