Lost in a neverending season of isolation

Brothers and sisters i need your prayer. I'm trapped in a pit full of fog. I wander aimlessly reaching out for something to grab on to, to lead me out of here but everytime I get close to getting out, I wind up back where I started.

I'm 38 and have spent the last 6 years unemployed. I have ADHD (apologies its long and not well thought out) and no experience but im smart and a quick learner. I have no idea what im meant to do, so I have been praying to Jesus that I could find a career or calling that would glorify and serve Him. My purpose has been one of my big issues, with my main issue being that I am struggling to have saving faith and true love for the Lord. I think I truly love Him, I mean who could know about who He is and not love Him. But sometimes I worry that i only love Him for what He can do for me ( save me and those i love from eternal damnation and immortality) which is selfish and horrible. I've always been skeptical or cynical, idk the difference, but ive always had trouble believing God is real, and the bible is true and correct. I have recently started to intellectually understand God is possible, which overjoys me as ive always hoped for it to be true. But I still have doubt and unbelief creep in occasionally randomly. I hate who I am and the life and potential ive wasted. I cry as I type this, im very hard on myself and ashamed. I think about God a lot, and often when I do I always come back to how unworthy and terrible I am. I have seen on Google this may possibly be the result of spiritual warfare, which I scoff at when I type cuz im not sure its real.. but im struggling at war with myself. I just need help I feel lost when it comes to my purpose and calling which I may not even have one. I feel God answered my prayer changing my heart and who I am, I do somewhat feel like a new person totally different from how I was 8.mo the ago when I first prayed for a heart of flesh. But I don't think He has answered me or I didn't notice in regard to my purpose or calling. I'll end it here ive cried about enough, I'll leave out the fact that we may not be able to have kids because of me.. my isolation, friendless due to a stint with drugs etc lol. I was at least blessed enough to meet my fiance. At least I still have her and my family and God.

Please pray for me. I need Jesus so bad. I pray He continues to help me grow in love for my enemy and neighbors, and helps me with a purpose that I could glorify Him through that would satisfy me. Lord I know you can heal my body so I can have a child and teach them about you. Jesus bless every person who reads this with your joy and love.

If you read it all I genuinely thank you and im sorry it is probably so scatter brained. Wether you pray fot me or not. I love you and I hope you have a great day enjoying many blessings 🙌 ❤️