Moral OCD in Regards to Christianity(?!?)

Everyone wants to talk about how loving the Lord is—and He is! But, man, is he terrifying haha!

And as of lately, I've become too afraid of Him! Unfortunately, my fear has become so much to the point I've gathered concern from others here and my friends. Today is my birthday and yet, I continue to spend it in fear because of how easily I spiral.

My family took me to see “Michael” for my birthday because it wasn't just family-oriented but, a movie from a beloved artist. As we were laughing joyously coming home, two had shared a testimony talking about how Michael Jackson was actually in Hell due to his lukewarm lifestyle as a Christian and his faith as a Jehovah Witness, instead of accepting Jesus as his savior.

Rodney Jenkins had actually spoken of Michael giving his life to Jesus two weeks before he died. And despite that, due to his lifestyle, he was still down there and begging for others not to listen to his music. Every time his music played, he would be tortured.

“You can accept Jesus as your savior but, you need to live like you do”, and to which, the lady proceeded to say we needed to live holy and righteous, no sin will enter into Heaven and thus, discard the world.

And that just leaves me utterly distraught.

Lately, I've been questioning everything I do.

I have such love for art, writing, overall a creative spirit; and now, I don't know what to do with it. How do I share my talents with the world if I cannot trust the world? How do I share it in honor of the Lord if I'm not to trust myself or my interests?

I'm literally in college for Design and Media Production! Do I stop that?

I'm scared of sinning! When I realized I sinned once while I was at school, I felt myself beginning to gag and was overcome with the urge to vomit.

A Christian OCD specialist came to me a while ago and said that I may have a peculiar case of Moral Scrupulosity. And perhaps I do! I'm just trying to contain myself and get myself right before the Lord!

I invested so much time in comics that are good role models—Nightwing, Spider-Man, Adam (Marvel), so many songs from The Spinners, New Edition, Coldplay, The Police, Outkast...

And now, what do I do with it?

Should I throw it all away? I will! I'll get rid of everything, it doesn't matter! I've deleted all my sinful/secular music from my playlists on Spotify, I've removed so much from my Pinterest, and so on! What else? What else is there?

I repented, I'm trying to stop cursing, I'm going to stop chasing after lust and I have become more disciplined— What else is there?!