I miss him so much

He discarded me a year ago without any heads up after a phone call. It was a long distance relationship. The conversation was about his drinking. I had lost all patience with the amount of inconsistency and pulling back he was doing to the extent that he wouldn't call me even. I wasn't even harsh with him. I just asked him to take things seriously. That what I was saying to him wasn't just pep talk that he'd listen to me and get a bottle home anyway.

I could sense the disappointment in his voice, he got silent. I asked him if he's disappointed because I spoke to him that way. He said yes. I apologized profusely. I couldn't see him hurt. I knew that he was struggling. I just wanted him to get healthier.

That's it. No responses since then. Wouldn't take my calls either. As if he erased me from his life. No wishing me on my birthday either. We had known each other for 3 years. It was his birthday last week. And probably the first time I didn't pick up the phone to wish him.

I guess the biggest feeling for me is disbelief. Disappointment. Grief. Living life without him around. All the versions of him. I feel so lost. I have better days and worse. Today is a particularly bad one. I feel like my life has ended, but I'm living like a zombie for the sake of my pets.