Tired of fighting so hard for a future I don't deserve

Just need to scream into the void for a moment if that's alright. I have no friends or anyone I can talk to about anything and just... need to vent, I guess.

Im in my 30s and have been struggling to just exist for as long as I can remember. It feels like I've finally hit the end of the line. The last 20 years have been nothing but consistent failure, disappointment, and pain. I've been abused, my trust and self worth has been manipulated by every partner I've ever had, all of my attempts to grow and develope as a functional person have been shattered by things I couldn't fully control, all of my attempts to be financially stable have fallen apart, I can't hold a job and couldn't complete college due to mental illness, and now I've found myself entirely alone. I have a handful of mental health diagnoses that are just bad enough to keep me fully financially dependent on other people for all of my needs, but not bad enough to be something the world sees or cares at all about (ADHD, PTSD, chronic depression, general anxiety disorder, addiction, learning disability...). I live in an invisible gray area of seemingly (but actually not) functional disability. I'm essentially mentally disabled and have been in near constant therapy for over a decade. I wish I had something to show for it, but I don't. I'm just a burden, and broken.

Now, after leaving my home and moving half way accross the country to help care for aging family, my partner of over a decade left me. We had a hard relationship that wasn't always great, we both had faults and difficulties, but he was my anchor, my only external reason for trying to get better, and the only other human that ever made me feel like I'm worth the air I breathe. He kept me grounded and made me feel like I had a future and was worth something to someone despite being so useless. He left me because he can't do long distance again, and because there's no future with me any more. We're aging and life doesn't wait... he wants to be happy and financially stable some day. I dont blame him, who doesn't want that. I'm glad he has a future now that I'm not in his way. The trash has been taken out and now he's free, he can move on to partners that actually make him happy. I'm happy for him.

Unfortunately that leaves me where I am now. I have no prospects, no friends or anyone at all that I'm comfortable talking to about anything. I have a large number of traits and things that indicate autism, but havent been able to get a diagnosis despite being told by multiple professionals that all of my symptoms "look, feel, and affect me just like autism would, but [I'm] not on the spectrum because RFK Jr says we're overdiagnosing autism...", whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. I dont know how to meet people. I dont even know how to learn to meet people. It's so indescribably difficult and I don't even want to try to go through it any more. I'm just alone and at this point it seems logical that I always will be.

My interests and hobbies do nothing for me but cause me emotional pain and financial burden I can't sustain - none of them have ever taken off or done anything for me but exhaust me, and now I have no one to share them with, so why bother at all. I was always be excited to show him my projects because he's the only person that at least pretended to care about them. Having someone to share them with was the only thing that kept me going back to them anyway.

I just feel empty and worthless. I've been fighting so hard for so many years for a life I'll never get to have and I'm so tired. I'm tired of false hope and naive optimism. I'm tired of pretending my mental health and circumstances will ever actually get better through my own effort. I'm tired of being disappointed every time I try to be worth anything. Life isn't fair and I'm tired of pretending mine will ever amount to anything other than disappointment for myself and everyone around me.

I don't know what I need from this or why I'm even posting it. It's awkward and embarassing. Maybe it gets ignored, maybe I get told to man up and stop crying about nothing, maybe I just need to scream into the void because I dont have anyone to talk to any more and I've never been so alone. I dont know, im just angry, tired, sad, and I need to do something instead of nothing. Thanks for reading, I guess.