I truly have noone and it shows

Let me preface this by saying: No, I am not thinking of hurting myself in any way at this time.

I don't have really anyone to vent to, except my counselor; so strangers on the internet will have to do. I am by no means saying that I am perfect, or without faults, so please don't take anything I'm about to say as that.

On the outside, I have my stuff together. I have a decent job; multiple degrees, wife, kids, volunteer for multiple things, am active in my kids lives.

But underneath it is a constant feeling of isolation and loneliness. I wake up at 530 every morning, sit down, play some video games for 15 minutes after getting ready for work, go to work, come home, deal with whatever stupid shit is going on, and go to bed.

I have no one who gives a shit. All my friends are either passive friends, or their friends with my wife so I can't rant about how miserable she makes me.

Let me start at the beginning.

We met a decade ago, and there were some red flags that were only red flags in hindsight, but that's neither here nor there, so not really relevant to why i feel like I feel. These feelings are within the last few years.

Lets start with holidays: They're around the same time every year. I get jack shit, usually some small last minute BS that takes zero thought, and then apologies. It was worse at the start. I had asked for the same thing 3 years in a row and she refused to get it because she didn't like the way I was behaving. Not saying I was the best of partners then, but that excuse for holiday gifts? I find that disgusting.

But for her? lists of hundreds of dollars. Heaven forbid I'm not able to do something for one of them. She got pissy because I get paid once a month(two paychecks from different sources) and paid all the bills in one go, so I couldn't do much for our anniversary, which is around Mother's day, but weeks before I spent over $100 on the list she put in for what she wanted for mother's day.

This father's day really secured my feelings of isolation. She nagged for weeks that I had to tell her what I wanted, because saying "nothing" because I have so little expectation is unacceptable. So I picked 2 things. that's it. A T-shirt and a sticker pack to go on my toolbox.

They were "sold out" so I had to pick something different. had to. no choice.

So I said "take me to Indian food" because I want to try it. "too expensive, I can make it at home for a lot cheaper". Well, first it was "I'll make it at the Airbnb" because we were out of town the week prior. it never happened. Constant talking about it the week prior. Father's day she took a muscle relaxer and fell asleep. My father's day dinner was a cold sandwich and a half an energy drink.

My "gifts" for father's day? She had picked up some random photo frame on one of her trips a month or so ago(no photo in it yet, and I don't even know where it is.), a pair of sleep pants our oldest picked out, and a random shirt she found in a store. A plain shirt. Oh, and a random shirt we picked up at a store a few weeks ago. I saw it and said "that's cool" so she bought it and said it was a father's day present, which to me is wild.

Oh, and let's not forget a few days prior, she was talking about how she had to go do her delivery jobs a lot because we have something coming up she needs to pay off. I said "I'll go out and work too, we can make more money", because she is always complaining about what she has to pay for(groceries, and whatever trip I am not going on). She told me I was not allowed to work father's day weekend. I responded with "I don't mind, we need the money" And she literally snapped that she wasn't going to argue with me father's day weekend.

So I'm not allowed to choose what I'm doing on a day that's supposed to focus on me?

Our teenager worked hard that day and actually got me something that day.

Days later and there's nothing about her fulfilling her promise.

My birthday? I literally haven't had any feelings towards my birthday in over a decade. Those feelings predate her, but they are because I was deployed for my birthday a long time ago and got a few hours of being shot at. But the forced celebrations. I just want to chill, do something small; but I keep getting told that I have to pick things.

She'll be gone this year for my birthday, and honestly; I have thoughts on what I'm going to do and I'm not getting fought on it. It feels amazing.

Now the other things: I pay 100% of the bills. and I mean 100%. I have to do the budget, pay the bills. But if they're late, she gets all upset when they call her about it. Doesn't offer to help until that point.

But if there's something else coming up that she wants or it involves the kids? She's out working delivery jobs, then complaining about how "hard" she's working. Gym membership? She linked it to my bank account and hasn't been in months. But won't call and cancel. Meanwhile mine is suspended, because I can't pay for both.

When she comes home she refused to sit in the living room with everyone else because whatever reason she feels like making up. "it's cluttered" "it stinks" "there's no room on the couch. So she goes to the other end of the house and plays on her phone. Then complains I'm not talking to her. I'm not going across the house to say hi. If you want conversation you can come to me.

"Why don't you talk to her about your feelings?" Because then it becomes about her feelings and I end up having to apologize for whatever slight she thinks of that negates my feelings. And it isn't just me. Our teenage daughter will go to her and try to talk about problems and she makes it about her childhood and what all she had to go through.

Vacations are ridiculously stressful because of her behavior. She talks about needing to find how to get somewhere, but if someone suggests something, she gets an attitude with them; or has an excuse to not do it that way, but then gets mad at the entire family because she's "overstimulated".

She constantly yells at our youngest, claiming to have to repeat herself many times, but I make it a rule that I don't use my stern voice until I have repeated myself 3x minimum. But if I get to that point; I'm too hard on the kids.

She tries to apply these ridiculous standards to everyone and tries to make them abide by them.

My dad's birthday was some time ago, and he asked to go to a specific restaurant, so we were talking about how I needed to put aside a certain amount to take him. She wanted me to not take him because "he doesn't show appreciation". Yeah, she wanted me to not take my dad out to dinner, with my money, because she didn't like his behavior.

During our last trip I had some severe back pain going on from all the walking(I had back surgery awhile ago and regularly have pain, some days are really bad to where I can barely walk). The entire week I had to be behind the family because I couldn't move as quick. Up and down stairs? Still going. Did she stop? Nope.

Finally on one of the last days, she asked what was wrong; and I told her it was my back. her response "my shoulder hurts, and I'm not slowing down". Yup, a shoulder pain definitely affects walking like back pain does. Then she went on to tell me that when she has her upcoming surgery, I couldn't use my pain as an excuse to not do anything.

That though had never even entered my mind, but obviously I was thinking it, because she just decided so.

I have to hear about things she wants all the time. She gets mad if I make plans with my paychecks and haven't paid for things she thinks should be done first. She got mad because I had told her that I would plan this special thing for her, if I had money. Then she said she wanted shoes. I told her I could do the shoes instead, because money is abit tighter than planned. a few days later she complained that she "traded" what was promised for some shoes. I guess she expected me to say sorry?

She sits in her phone all day long, complains that things aren't done the way she wants, but does nothing to get it done. If someone else does it, it's a complaint over it's not done the way she wanted it done. When we point out "you don't get to complain about how other people do things if you won't do them yourself" its a complaint about why she couldn't do it. Usually "overstimulated" or "in pain", pretty much anything to avoid accountability.

And sex? she supposedly runs everything in our lives, and it stresses her out, so I have to initiate, but then she gets mad when she isn't in the mood and I try. So I wait for some sign that she's wanting to, but then I don't see them, so I'm in the wrong. Does she listen to what I want? Nope. But we have to listen to what she wants.

I can't vent to friends, because the ones I talk to regularly are her friends as well so I don't feel safe talking to them about her. When I was having trouble thinking of things that I would want for father's day; I went to them and was like "I don't know what to do" and I got just jokes, no actual help.

Sorry for the rant and the sporadicness of my thoughts. I'm feeling out of sorts today and needed to get it off my chest.