I believe that I’m re-enacting trauma and I feel extremely filthy

The reason I’m writing this is because very recently I had an encounter with a woman who is much older than me after meeting at a bar. I’m a 19 year old guy and she was at least twice my age. I feel like a lot of my boundaries were infringed on without a care (I don’t wanna gross anyone out with unnecessary details), and I was left feeling extremely alone, anxious, and lonely by the end of it. And I recognized a sort of common thread between all interactions I’ve ever had like this; a desire to flee, hide, looking for a way to get out of it, wishing I could just go back to normal as it was happening. I’ve felt this so many times, especially when I was much younger and was with older men. Again, I don’t wanna disturb anyone with the details so we can just leave it at that. But I’m left feeling guilty, confused, dirty, all these things.

I told my friends what happened and they were definitely amused. I joked about it as I have with every other thing like it, but inside i’m paranoid and nervous about many of the things she did/said. I know there’s probably some kind of power imbalance because of the age difference, but I’m still responsible for what I did, what I agreed to, and the situation I got myself in. But am I wrong to feel uneasy about it? My other friends wanted to get with her. They laugh and joke about it and I feel ridiculous. I definitely have a tendency to overanalyze and meaning make everything. To tie some emotional truth or realization to everything when it might be there. I second guess every thought and feeling I ever have

Looking back I think I definitely “fawn” in situations like this. I go along with it for approval or validation or whatever even if deep down I don’t really wanna do it. For instance, after it happened she starting talking to me about stresses in her life, and I decided to try and comfort her or at least give her a shoulder to lean on, and she ended up calling me weird, and trying to bring the focus back on the physical side. I felt that familiar sort of heart drop and went back to it. I feel pathetic and weak for doing that. Especially because it’s something I have done a lot in similar situations.

I’m starting to see a pattern of behavior, and I’m wondering if it’s just normal for drunk hookups, or if this points to a more serious issue with me. It’s taken a lot from me already, I have ruined relationships, friendships, done things I’ve regretted. And it’s put my health and well being at risk. I’m worried about diseases, especially since she took off my protection once, and then again after I went to grab more. Something I’ve never done and never wanted to do.

I’m still in contact with her, and she flatters me and compliments me just like abusers in my past used to. But why is it I feel the urge to go back, even when I’m left feeling like a wreck afterwards? I’m such a mess. It could be re-enacting things that happened to me, but why? What am I getting out of it? Why do I keep finding myself in similar situations? What do I do? I feel extremely broken, and am still hiding this from important people in my life like my family. I wish I could just go back to how i was before all this, to go back to being a kid and have a go at life as a normal person. But it’s time to be an adult and take responsibility for what I am doing to myself, what I’ve done to others, and own up to the risks I just took. But god it sucks