30 and just physically here

30 lonely my worst nightmares have happened to me because I’ve been in situations where I shouldn’t alone. My life has been messed up trying to make friends since I was 12, had a lonely child hood absent father emotionally unavailable mother, been taken advantage of by women I’ve dated and friends alike , I’m convinced I’m not that bad looking or a bad person , but no matter what I do I feel like I don’t belong , I’ve had a few friends that made me not feel this way but they’ve all passed away . I’m not able to think straight or articulate my feelings anymore , for years all I’ve felt Is pain 24/7 I cry atleast 2 hours a day . I’ve gotten into so much bad stuff for being a good person at times , therapy , going places alone, loving yourself and working out don’t replace meaningful relationships, the world is a scary place for me I feel below every other human, going anywhere in public seeing people not alone and seeing children with parents that love them make me jealous about a life I’m missing out on , I’m Christian but I feel like God is punishing me , I know that I could be doing more meaningful things in my life but I’m stuck in this same cycle .