The life of someone just existing.

Hello my fellows.

I don't know why I'm truly posting this.

I'm lonely

I'm drinking

I'm depressed

But maybe a glimpse into the life of a soon to be crippling alcoholic may either save some from the path walked by many and a destination reached by few.

I've always suffered from depression. Started on anti depressants at 14. Tried to give myself my first forever nap at the age of 18. Tried three more times between then and 21. Having four attempts under my belt, my brain has switched up in a sense. "It doesn't work, you don't really want it. But deal with it". So I still get very depressed and get those oh so lovely thoughts of finally being at peace. I have the image burned into my mind of my mum, dad and sister standing around my hospital bed. Just because I want to end it, I can't do it to them. They don't deserve any pain created from me.

Essentially since the COVID pandemic my life has become the cliche of one day at a time. I've had moments of genuine happiness, but they are always followed by feelings of self doubt.

I was in a toxic relationship through COVID which accelerated my drinking, and eventual alcoholism.

I started day drinking while she was out, because I was working from home, again lonely - when she came back from work, she was always too tired to talk to me. We weren't a happy house.

After she slept with my best mate, she demanded a large sum of money to move out of my house. I told her I'll pay, but the house needs to be sold for me to have that money. That was going to take too long, and she wanted to hurt me. So she told the police I laid hands on her through COVID. For the record. I never did.

I was now arrested. Remanded on bail. Lonely. Depressed. Drinking more than before.

I spent over 3 years on bail. The weight of the implications weighing on my mind every fucking day.

I was offered a deal to plead guilty early, and have it over and done with.... Given my lawyer was a lazy SOB he never actually fought for me. And because of the amount of time I had been teetering in purgatory - I plead guilty...

Now this is where life really likes to come and fuck you when you're down. So I accepted the charges because it was easier. No prison time. But now assault charges on my record.

This all wound up about two years ago. You would think things could only get better after that, right?

Wrong. So so so fucking wrong.

I cannot work in the industry I spent 10 years in due to convictions.

I planned on teaching guitar at schools, can't do that with convictions.

So I decided to settle for jobs I'm well over qualified for - surely.....

Nope. I've got to the interview process twice, but I have an inbox full of "sorry, but we ran your background check...."

Great. So even wanting to work is a struggle.

I meet an incredible girl, we get along well, but... Guess what... That little bastard of a conviction is too much for her to get over (which I fully understand)

But yeah.

Hopefully someone reads this and thinks "fuck. I don't want that"