I emotionally cheated, I'm not sure how to move forward.

Hello, this is a throwaway account. I just want to preface by saying that I very deeply regret my actions, my explanation is no excuse, and I acknowledge that.

I (18F) dated this guy, Jareth (17M) about a year ago for ~8 months. I never believed in love at first sight, but with him, we both felt like we experienced something sorta adjacent to that. We honestly had a pretty good relationship in the beginning, good communication, always respecting boundaries, we made time for each other and we were both very emotionally intelligent. But things flipped during summer break unfortunately. He got really busy, we hardly talked or saw each other anymore, and it felt like the spark was gone- and I feel like I tried so so hard to rekindle it, but it felt like I couldn't really reach him after that. We used to be super open with each other, but I feel like something happened and he just stopped letting me in. I felt a genuine, physical change in the way we interacted and him as a person, and still to this day, I don't know why.

He ended up leaving me a few weeks before school started back up, and it broke me. He said it was for a myriad of reasons, but I feel like I played a big part in it too. He was worried about me, far too often. I was very insecure, I have a lot of mental issues, and I got hurt a lot, and he worried about me so much, it made him feel physically sick. The day he left, I decided that I was really going to try to turn my life around, and it was extremely hard, but I made amazing progress. He still had feelings for me, and I felt the same with him, but it just wasn't good for us. Nonetheless, I waited. I made those changes for myself, but I thought if he saw them, we might have a second chance.

So I waited. He dated other people, I didn't. Every time he would break up with the person he was with, he would come back to me, and we would be in this "talking stage", but never official. He did this a lot. One day we're 'talking' and he's telling me how much he misses me, and the next day he's telling me about some other girl, and how he'd like to try something with her instead. I eventually got very, very tired, and after maybe 4 months of this, I finally was done with him. (Or so I thought.) I didn't care for him anymore, we stayed friends, but I didn't feel that way about him, and I had finally moved on. I started seeing other people too, and then, only then did he realize how I felt.

We had a talk about it, a really real talk. The kind of talks we used to have before he changed. Apparently he felt like he wasn't enough for me, thought he never would be, and all of the other people he dated were just a sad replacement - but they were never me. I did feel bad for him, but those 4 or so months of us being on and off felt even worse. I felt played, and I really didn't want to forgive him.

But eventually, I did. And now we're in the present day.

I apologize for the long context, I feel like it would have been important to have heard our dynamic in the past.

But back to right now.

He openly likes me, I openly liked him..

For quite a while after he apologized and we made up, I really did still love him, and I really did want to try again. But lately, I've been realizing I don't know how I feel anymore. I lived in Wisconsin where we went to highschool together, but I recently moved to Canada for a semester because of some family troubles, and this is where I met Cory (19M).

We met at an art museum and instantly hit it off. We exchanged numbers, became friends, and then a little more than that. That's where I messed up.

Me and Jareth aren't dating. We've had conversations months ago talking about the possibility of it, but we never revisited. He's heard me talk about attraction to other people whilst I talk to my friends in passing, but neither of us have said anything about it to each other, and something about this feels really wrong. He still loves me. I really like Cory, and I'm not sure how I feel towards him anymore. He hurt me, broke my trust, and I don't think I fully forgave him for it, but I genuinely don't know if I should give him another chance or not because of what he did.

Yet he still goes to sleep thinking that I'm sound in wanting to be with him. He still goes to bed at night thinking that I forgave him, and that there's nobody else on my mind. And that's unfair to him. I feel like I would be leading him on, but even I don't know if being with him is what I really want or not. So I didn't choose. And I'm completely at fault for that.

This isn't fair to Cory either, he has no idea about Jareth, although he says that he doesn't mind or expect us to be exclusive, because right now, we're just two people with a crush.

I see my therapist next month, but I've been so horrified and embarrassed at myself that I would do something like this because it feels like I'm cheating SOMEBODY, even though given every technicality, I'm not. I want to be able to decipher what I actually want, and I don't want to drag this out for any longer than I already have.

Thank you for listening to this agonizingly long read, any words will help.