I can’t seem to cope AT ALL

Hi!

I made a post two days ago how I got genital and oral herpes.
I can’t even say that sentence out loud without feeling a pit in my stomach.

There has been so much comfort for me on this subreddit but yet I have never felt more alone.
I’m in pain and I can’t talk to anyone from fear of being rejected.
Yesterday I just had a full blown mental breakdown. I cried and said that if it’s a punishment for something then I reject it.
I know that the first OB is usually the worst and the next ones might not be as bad, but I’ve been just sitting in pain for days, having a hard time imagining a life that is not like this anymore.

I have this feeling that I want to call the guy who gave it to me. Not because I want to confront him or be angry, I just want to cry to someone and I feel like he is the only person for that.
Yet you know, I don’t know him very well, he is/was a fling. I don’t want to “destroy” his world if he doesn’t know he has it, I don’t want to emotionally burden him, I have absolutely no idea how he would react and I obviously have a fear he will never talk to me again. I also just don’t want people to know I have this. I don’t want to have this.

I have severe contamination fear. I fear everything in my home is covered in the disease and everything I touch will make it spread. I fear I’ll give it to my cat or get it in my eye or throat. All those fears I’ve googled already and rationally I know the virus doesn’t work like that but the fear is still there.

It was a holiday in my country for two days and yesterday I went to my mom’s place to celebrate. I put on red lipstick to cover the sore and just prayed that no one would notice. I spent the whole night sitting and not mentioning it. I was in pain and all I wanted to do was to cry and get some comfort. But I just kept sitting there, smile on my face.

I struggle with severe health anxiety. It’s funny.. the fear has always been that I get an illness that will take away from the quality of my life. The fear isn’t death when it comes to health. The fear is being bed bound, being in constant pain, not having a cure. And look at me now.
I’ve done years of therapy and been on medication for my anxiety, learning how to tell myself “It’s just anxiety! I am healthy!” but now I almost feel the anxiety laughing at me. Myself (?) laughing at me. If I had just listened to my anxiety, not tried to silence it, I wouldn’t be here right now.

What a terrible thing has happened to me and I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay again.