Broken hearts

Its 3^(rd) of may 2024 today. I don’t feel so well. I feel mentally exhausted and nauseous about not ever seeing hamza again. He is leaving tomorrow by 8.45 train. I am getting those feelings back that I tried to suppress for long when he came back again. I was cold and unreceptive. I am scared to get hurt again. But what is love without pain. I don’t want him to leave. Our situation is fucked up. Its more uncertain than anything I have ever seen in life. He is emotionally invested too much. As am i. but I do a good job of not showing. I love him and I doubt that I will ever find a guy that good and great where I don’t even realise that I am in love until its too late to take back what I feel. Like he says can’t put a lid on it. I tried so hard but I can’t ever let him go. He will always be the first man I love and probably the only man I will love so desperately that I am not even against leaving my hopes and dreams for him if that would mean I get to stay with him. If he gives me the green light I would burn and fight the world for him. But he is hesitant for his own reasons. I am scared to death that I will be forever be stuck in this limbo where I don’t get to touch him or talk to him again. I have cried and I have contemplated about just ending everything and be with him. But early on, I had decided that I would never leave my family for anyone. But how will that work out when I love him just as much. I hate this uncertainty about everything. I don’t want to lose him at all. Even if he gets married or I do. He will be my first love in every sense of the word. I want him to fight but he suffers already so much. He thinks as much as I do. But is better at expressing emotions. I don’t know what I will do with all these emotions bubbled inside me. I want to suffer and, in a sense, not cry about it all so I can cause myself pain. Pain of losing him. I asked about the future today and said one day at a time. Time, we don’t have in our arsenal. Its going way too fast. I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I don’t know how to express. In spite of saying I love him the most, I couldn’t be really honest with him. I couldn’t say what was on my mind. I have too much control over my emotions and what I say that even during the last moments of us today I couldn’t tell him that I want to run away with him. But I also understand the familial and social obligations he has. It’s also something I think about myself. Why can’t all the things be simple where you just fall in love and everything just works itself out. I am also sorry for myself that I can turn off these feelings. I feel guilty about it when I know he has spent a lot of sleepless nights because of me. I also hate that my friend was so quick to judge him because of his name. I don’t think I will ever tell her anything about him ever again. So today I decided to get drunk and feel something. Anything other than this melancholy doom I feel.