Tl:dr 

I feel pretty and this is the happiest I’ve ever seen myself.  Just

Long form.  

I  remember a night 16 years ago.  I was out with friends in the LGBTQ+ district of Tokyo with friends.  I had been out as bi for maybe a year or two, DADT had been repealed, and I was having the time of my life.  My GF made a small observation that would echo in my head for a long time.  

“I’ve never seen you code shift before”

It was innocent enough and she meant no ill by it but once the shock wore off the feeling of anger and a question remained.  

Where does other people’s programming stop and where do I begin?

From that day on I started pulling the string  to finding out who I am, what do I want for myself, and what am I carrying that no longer serves me. Later once the pandemic hit I was about two years before retiring from the service which raised more pointed questions about identity.  Who am I after I take off the uniform I’ve been wearing my entire adult life?   

With the pandemic doing its thing I had a lot of time to consider the overlapping circles that my life is made up of and when I got asking what does my own masculinity mean to me I was faced with a big dark nothing.  It was a biological default and nothing more.   

I had arrived at agender and that gave me solace.  In that space I went from quietly despising myself to ok with myself.  I didn’t necessarily like the body I was in but it was the vehicle that had gotten me through life so far and that was good enough.   

The running track in my head was never complimentary but in time I learned how to tune out the negative self speak and eventually realized that this dialogue I had with myself was made up of the voices of the worst people in my life.  I looked at the work I had put in, the care I had shown myself, the persistence of the work, and pushing though even when it was hard.  I realized that you don’t put in that sort of effort on someone you don’t love.   When this hit I had to pull my car over and ugly cry/laugh, I had finally found love for myself.  had put in  for a while but felt like it wasn’t answering all the questions.   In retrospect I really should have looked harder at why feeling no connection to masculinity was as a matter of fact but engaging with femininity felt like putting my hand in a fire.  

This finally came to a head about a month ago just before my 47th birthday where after knocking things around I realized that I had been running way from the me I wanted to be until I could find a way to make it safe, understandable, boy coded.

So I finally stopped running and she was there waiting.  I’m thankful for that little boy who grew into a young man who went to sea for more hand 2 decades and managed to keep her heart intact.   Even though letting go is hard he finally handed over this beautiful life to the one who it was intended for because she is finally safe.  

Long story. Big joy.