i'm struggling to accept what's happened to me.

so, around half a year to a year ago, i ditched my ex. he was 19 when we started dating, and i was around 15. he groomed me and abused me for the next 2-3 years. he would torment me every waking moment of our time together and sprinkle in crumbs of affection along the way to keep me attached. he would talk me out of hanging out with my friends, as well as opportunities for my future due to the fact it would make him "lonely". he had no friends and was jealous of how many i had. he would ask for photos of me (while i was underage, mind you.). now, im single and in a very complicated relationship with my best friend. i don't know how to love anymore without apologizing for it. it always feels like im doing everything wrong, no matter what. i can't deal with people being mad at me and i can't cry without feeling guilt (he would always tell me that my crying was 'fake' and i was doing it to guilt trip him). i can't handle the sight of my own body and i can't handle thinking of any type of sexual intimacy. every time i look at myself, i think of all the disgusting things he would say to me. i feel sick. what he's done to me has crushed me and will likely continue to affect me throughout my adult life. i don't know how to get past this, or how to handle myself. sometimes, i miss him and the love he gave me. i miss being something to someone. i don't know what to do with myself.