*Warning Sexual assault*

So... Explicit I know... or too graphic sorry please don't continue if you feel bad... I want to pour my heart out somewhere... I don't want attention or anything or to be looked down at or someone to feel pitty for me ...

I mean I truly am not feeling like that just to have something tragic in my life and cry for myself... I don't even know if this is PTSD... I know nothing..

I have such a hard time enjoying sex.... I am a 30 year old female.

So when I was 10 I was madly in love with an 11 year old. Let's call him John (random name).We started kissing.. I loved the feeling of kissing.. our parents let us sleep all together... Me his brother and my little sister in the same room.. At night he always came to my bed and I loved kissing him but he always tried for more.. so for hours I was stopping him and tried to keep it at kissing only... This took years... Like that . With me crying later and him doing more and more. When I was 12 I was hanging out with some kids in the neighbourhood.. Tough neighbourhood and one friend of mine 17 years old ( let's call him Mat) one day was at my house... John and his brother were playing at the other side of the living room . Mat for some reason made me lay on the couch and started grabbing my chest underneath... I was crying and I was whispering stop... He wouldn't... I was trying to not embarrass him to John and his brother... I was protecting him. He stopped after what felt like ages (John and his brother noticed nothing they were fighting over a game)... I was numb and when he left I went upstairs and cried to my parents... They said that he was no longer allowed in our home. The thing is for all my teenage years I kept being in a relationship and breaking up with John. Same thing. Telling him No stop, no more... Of course by the age of 15 my body was liking it...Also John was always bullying me ... Calling me stupid... making fun of me with his friends and I was trying so hard for him to like me.. I never let him have me .. I always felt that if he had me he would toss me away like I am trash.

The final breakup was when I was 18. And my first time was not with him it was with another guy that I just met... He pushed and I let him. I wanted to wait at least more than a week but he pushed. And don't worry I wanted it to happen I was 15 I wanted it and I enjoyed it.

So .. the problem? I can't enjoy intimacy... I can't enjoy consensual... I wish someone somewhere that I don't know forced me. I wish I felt danger ... Real one... I don't even enjoy roleplaying that because it is not real. I like sex but I only feel good roleplaying it in my head as something I don't want.. how the heck can I enjoy it.... How can I get past that? I am not ashamed that I like that for myself (kinks do not make me feel same) but I am so tired of not enjoying it... I am so sorry if this is too much... I feel so lost...

P.s. father always did like I don't exist literally! As a baby my sister existed... I truly didn't.. I would talk and he would just keep walking ignoring me. Mom tried so hard to fill his gap. ( This I say only for extra info... I really need help)