I really need some advice on cleaning

Hey Men, I really don’t know what to do at this point, and I’m desperate for some help. I want to preface this by saying I am not here to bash or insult my child’s mother. I am at my wits end and really don’t know what else to do, and I’m really desperate for some advice and maybe some outside perspectives that I am just not grasping.

I am the father of a 7 year old boy, his mom and I have been married for almost 11 years now, and while things are not great in that department, I still care and want to help, even if divorce is absolutely in the future.

Sorry for the long intro, I just kind of feel the need to set the tone, anyway, my kids mom was raised in a house with a mother who was a bit of a hoarder, and it only got worse as they aged, she has never been the neat and organized type, she absolutely is the type of person that walks into a house and drops everything shes holding in an area, and in many cases, that is now where those items live. I come from a background where I had to clean up after myself and clean my room, and in many cases had to clean up after my parents as well.

My house is a wreck, the living room is filled with random stuff, the couch is not even really able to be sat on because of things like clothes, swim bags, toys, boxes, mail, all kinds of things just thrown all over the couch, the kitchen gets messy, the dishes pile up, food is left out, the bedroom has clothes all over the floor, laundry sitting in baskets, pillows, toys, books, journals, anything and everything scattered around.

I try to organize, I try to clean, and when I get an area clean, it is often messy again in a matter of a few days. I am not the type of man to say it is her job to clean, it is a joint effort, and requires everyone to chip in and help. She works from home predominantly, but does go in as well, when she is home she often decompresses by doom scrolling or reading. I am currently working on my mfa, I work as well, and during the school year have the responsibility of being the primary supervision with my sons schoolwork, he is currently homeschooled as it works better for his attention span, but he refuses to do the work with his mom, so that falls ok me as well. The area I primarily focus on is the kitchen, as I want to have a clean space to cook and provide clean dishes for my family to use. I do my own laundry, I oftentimes wash my kids laundry as well, and I am the one who does the majority of the cooking.

Tonight while talking with my son about wanting to get the kitchen table cleaned so we can start having dinner there as a family, she came to me and said that the problem is just that I don’t care. I don’t care that shes tired, I don’t care that she’s overwhelmed, and I don’t care to help her clean. I brought up the fact that I am the one who primarily puts our son to bed, that when work isn’t taking all of my time and energy I am the one who cleans the kitchen, and that I help with the rest of the house, and that I also try to anticipate the things that she needs help with and step in, but the other issue is a lot of this stuff is her parents. I cannot make decisions on her parents items, as they are all that she has left of her parents. While talking about the table, which has been her dropping zone for a while now, she said “i just don’t know how to organize, so I don’t do anything because I don’t know what to do with it.” An example would be two piles of books she had on the table, I grabbed the books and put them on a bookshelf, and she just looked at me with no real response. I said to her “at some point we cannot make excuses, and we just have to start somewhere” and this upset her enough to leave and go for a walk. I didn’t raise my voice, I didn’t yell, I explained on multiple occasions that I am not attacking her character by what I am saying, but we are both 37 years old, about to be 38, my son is 7, and I see him picking up some of these same behaviors, and I really don’t want that for his future. I told her that there is only so much that I can do, to which she responded “no” which tells me that the expectation is that I do more.

I feel like at this point the only solution is to be the only one cleaning, and to spend any time that I am not working, doing homework and studying, teaching my child, and cooking for him, is to be spent cleaning up after him, and its really getting to me mentally.

I know this has been a long post, and I am so grateful for anyone who reads this and provides advice, again, I’m not trying to attack, and I am certainly not trying to play the victim, but I don’t really know what to do.

Thanks all