Drowning in sorrow

I have always had a need to talk about things that bother me, from the smallest things to major things.

I am so so broken. I wasn’t aware I was this emotional prior to recent events and I feel ashamed to still be so heartbroken. I am so heartbroken it hurts so bad.

I loved this person and didn’t even realize how deep and genuine my love for her was until our fallout.

We had irreconcilable differences stemming from possible infidelity by her, constant disrespect and a very obvious lack of care or love at the latter stages of the relationship. Nothing hurts more than the possibility of infidelity.

It’s been at least 6 months since we fell out in the most toxic way but I find myself unable to stop thinking about it. I try so had, there are days I’m convinced I don’t feel terrible again then a random day comes by and I feel the full weight of my emotions.

I workout, talk to new people, tried to move on and consciously stop myself whenever the thoughts come up but the days when I delve into those thoughts, I feel so ashamed, so sad. To have been treated so terribly when I gave nothing else but my warmth and care hurts so bad.

Today though, I went through her socials and saw her living well, having fun etc and that sent me on a spiral. I’m so tired . I sound so pitiful . I dont want all these emotions. I felt so ashamed crying at the peak of our arguments. It’s so pitiful. I don’t want all these emotions. It’s so pitiful as a full grown man sobbing over things like this. I don’t know what to do…

I just want to forget everything