Heartbreaks suck

Heartbreaks suck no? I’ve been heartbroken multiple times and I should know how to deal with it na pero hindi pa rin e.

Para pa rin akong mababaliw during no contact, hindi ko pa rin matigil ‘yung sakit na nararamdaman ko. Pakiramdam ko tuloy, wala akong natutunan sa past experiences ko sa buhay.

People are expecting me na kayanan ko, to try and be fine. I get it, but I can’t. It’s only been a day since then and it feels like the world just crashed down on me. My heart hurts, laging masikip nalang ang dibdib ko, everything feels so heavy.

I do not know how to cope anymore. I know I should sit with my emotions, to feel my emotions, to do this and that pero sobrang hirap gawin.

Not helpful pa ‘yung mental illness ko na mas naghi-heighten during times like these. Sobrang hirap na i-handle ng anxiety ko when I used to be able to naman.

Feeling ko ang tanda ko na for this, pero bakit ganun? Ang sakit sakit pa rin. Despite knowing kung anong mga nangyayari tuwing broken ka, sobrang lost na lost ka pa rin.

I try to set aside mga thoughts ko na masasakit at alam kong hindi masasagot. Mga bagay na alam kong hindi ko maco-control, tina-try kong i-let go nalang. Pero ang hirap, ang hirap hirap.

Hindi ko ma-describe anong nararamdaman ko. Gusto ko nalang lahat maging okay at itulog kasi I feel so mentally exhausted.

Thankfully, wala pa ako sa point na suic1dal ako kasi I know the world and my life doesn’t end just because of a failed relationship. But then again, it also makes me feel so lost in my head and I think that’s just as bad as wanting to die.