Afraid of being noticed

I don't really know what to feel anymore. I'm just tired, upset, and frustrated all the time. This has been on my mind every day for years, and I feel like I can't get it out of my system. I also don't feel like I have anyone I can really talk to about it.

I've been overweight for a long time, and for the last few years I've been trying to lose weight. I did lose weight once a few years ago, but I gained it back. Since then, it's been a cycle of losing a few kilos, gaining them back, trying again, and feeling stuck.

This year feels different because I can't even seem to get started. Before, even when I struggled, I could at least stay consistent for a few days or weeks. Now I feel stuck before I even begin. It's frustrating because I don't feel like I eat very differently from the people around me. I mostly eat normal home-cooked food, the same kind of food my family eats.

The biggest problem isn't even just my weight anymore. It's the comments.

I live in a joint family, so there are always people around. For years, I've heard comments, advice, suggestions, and jokes about my weight. Some people think they're helping. Some people are joking. Some people are serious. But no matter what their intention is, it always reminds me of the same thing.

Because of this, whenever I'm around family, I almost feel anxious before anyone has even said anything. Part of me is constantly thinking:

"Please don't mention my weight today."

"Please don't make me the topic of conversation."

"Please don't joke about it."

Even when we're all sitting together normally, that thought is in the back of my mind.

Sometimes people joke about my weight and everyone laughs. Sometimes they make comments that seem small to them but don't feel small to me. Sometimes they give advice I didn't ask for. Sometimes they talk about it as if it's just a normal topic.

When those comments happen, I feel attacked.

I know they may not see it that way. I know many of them love me. I love them too. That's part of why this is so confusing. I know they don't necessarily mean to hurt me, but I still get hurt.

Most of the time I stay quiet because I don't know how to respond. Many of these people are older than me, and I don't feel comfortable talking back to them. Even when I do try to reply, it feels like they always have something stronger to say back. If I explain myself, they have more advice. If I say it hurts, they say they're joking. If I say I've tried, they tell me to try harder.

After hearing the same things for years, I feel like I've lost the energy to keep defending myself.

What hurts is that people make these comments and move on with their day, but I don't. I keep thinking about them afterward. I replay them in my head. Sometimes a comment that takes a few seconds for someone else stays with me for hours or days.

Over time, I've become uncomfortable with being noticed. I don't like standing out. I don't like attention on me. I feel more comfortable when people don't notice me at all.

Sometimes I don't even want to go out because I feel like people will look at me and judge me. Whether they actually are or not, that's how I feel.

The strange thing is that when someone doesn't mention my weight, I feel genuinely grateful. If someone just talks to me normally and doesn't bring up my body, I think, "Wow, they're such a good person."

Looking back, I realize that's a very low standard. I'm grateful for something that should be normal. But that's how much all of this has affected me.

I feel relieved when people don't comment on my appearance. I feel safe when people don't make jokes. I feel thankful when people let me exist without turning my weight into a conversation.

The hardest part is that I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about these feelings. I don't feel comfortable talking to my family because many of them are part of the reason I feel this way. I have friends, but I don't feel close enough to them to say, "My family hurt me this week," or "I'm really struggling with this."

So I keep most of it to myself.

And after years of hearing comments, trying to lose weight, feeling judged, feeling noticed, and carrying all of these thoughts alone, I'm just tired.