Aftermath of being raised by a mom

I just found this sub and feel so seen. I don’t really have any friends that deal with this issue so it’s really hard to explain and hard for people that haven’t been through it to understand. I realized that my relationship with my parents was not normal after I went away to college. I thought it was normal to not “like” your parents or have a close relationship with them and quickly realized that I was the minority after seeing/hearing about all my friends with their families. It was really hard to come to terms with that after realizing. I’m 30 and I feel like I’ve accepted it, but it’s still hard to deal with and it’s affecting me. When my family gets together I feel like we’re a bunch of strangers or acquaintances forcing ourselves to hangout. It’s awkward, uncomfortable, and makes me physically anxious leading up to it. I don’t know how everyone acts like this is normal. My family didn’t prioritize closeness so I’m not close with my brothers which adds to the awkwardness. We were a “bedroom” family. All of the kids hung out in our rooms. We never hung out as a family voluntary and never did outings for fun or vacations. My mom was very controlling in the way that she made me do hobbies she was interested in and wouldn’t even let me pick out my own clothes fully until high school. She would make us do a ton of the house upkeep, fetch her purse or anything else from the other room so she could stay seated, brush her hair, massage her shoulders, go to the store, she would even make me buy beer with my fake ID when I was underage. Things were very conditional and she would hold things over my head. Even as a child and teenager I didn’t confide in her unless I absolutely had to. I never felt safe to talk to her about real stuff. There was no open communication or confrontation. There were periods of silent treatments. My whole childhood I couldn’t wait to get away. Now, I feel like my parents don’t know who I am as a person and aren’t interested in the real me. My parents did what they were supposed to as parents, but my success is thanks to me. They were against me going to college and not supportive of any educational endeavors because I would “end up in debt”. I figured everything out on my own and only shared necessary information after I had set everything up. I have so much anger toward my nmom for not protecting me, teaching me, consoling me. I went through so much trauma (SA, substance abuse, etc) that she doesn’t even know about that I feel like could’ve been prevented had I known any better or had guidance. I grew up anxious, depressed, and had low self esteem. I am now seeking treatment to start processing and working through the trauma I’ve been through and my relationship with my nmom is part of it. Another huge stressor is kids. I’m at this point where I think I want to start my own family, but I’m so scared of having kids that feel the way I did as a kid. I know I would intentionally do everything in my power to break cycles and raise my own kids differently but there’s still that fear. Also thinking about how i would involve my nmom in my kids life is a huge stressor.

I don’t want to go no contact. My mom and dad are together and I just couldn’t do that to them, especially my dad. I want to be able to accept the way things are and not let it hurt me the way it does but I don’t know how.

Thank you for letting me vent.