My life feels pointless

I hate the fact that I’m disabled. The constant fear of knowing that I’m different, and that I always will be.
I can’t escape this body or this life. I’m trapped. Trapped in this body, in this mind, in these thoughts.
I feel lonely even though my family supports me.
I’m terrified that I’ll never be able to live independently. Why do I have to be sick?
I just want to be able to walk. To ride a bike. To laugh. To have friends.
I’ve never truly been able to laugh and knowing that hurts so much. I don’t get why my body won’t cooperate and things as normal/easy like laughing aren‘t possible for me… I feel useless, worthless, and ugly.

Maybe I deserve it? Maybe I’m just a bad person? I mean there must be a reason why Im like this.

It just feels like I’m sitting outside the store of life. I watch everyone through the window. Some people talk to me but only when they want to and see me as a 'human being‘ (Which most don’t. Either they ignore me, laugh at me or babytalk to me.)
I can never go inside the store. I have no control, no strength. I can only watch but never truly be part of it. I can see life happening, but I can’t experience it myself. I’ll always be the strange one… The one that only watches from the outside. The one who’s never good enough and can’t do anything.
It almost feels like I’m invisible.
No one understands me. Not even I understand myself.
Why does life have to be this way? Why do I have to be disabled? I just want to be normal.