I just want everyone to leave me alone

Super long story that I’ll try to make short. I have lupus and on Sunday I had stomach pain. I went to the ER and discovered I have mesenteric ischemia, I had emergency surgery preformed on Monday. I was unconscious due to being deeply sedated for 4 days and I woke up with tubes down my throat because I’m attached to a ventilator.

When they were taking me off sedation I was falling in and out of consciousness and understood what was happening and being said but lacked the strength to give proper responses (written responses since I’m on a ventilator).

My boyfriend had been texting me everyday that I was unconscious saying he loves me and can’t wait to see me. I love him but I do NOT want to see him. I have a tube down my fucking throat, haven’t showered in 4 days, and quite frankly just want to be left alone. I didn’t even want my mom in the room. I’m in pain, I’ve been awake for a little over 24 hours and I’m just trying to process everything.

When I was like 7 hours in of trying to regain consciousness I text my boyfriend for the first time after 4 days of being unconscious. I was too out of it to hold my phone longer than 2 minutes so I used all the strength I had to type “I love you too” and I knocked back out. He left me on read, I don’t know why. Not even a “I missed you” “I’m glad you’re alive” “are you ok” but ok whatever.

While I was unconscious my mom sent him a photo of me attached to the ventilator looking like a dead corpse. I’m mad at her because why the hell would she just go sending around a photo of me damn near on my death bed without my consent?? I’ll get over it but I just don’t understand why she did that.

Then someone, god knows who told my ex that I was in the hospital and he’s been blowing my phone up. I do NOT want my ex checking on me, that man cheated on me with a minor. I don’t like the fact that someone is gossiping with my ex about my health. On top of that my ex said “I spoke to your boyfriend and your boyfriend said that he spoke to you and you’re feeling fine now” I was like what??? My boyfriend hasn’t even reached out to me once I woke up, he quite literally left me on read. I don’t know why my boyfriend lied to him? I don’t know why my boyfriend is even talking to him???

I’m not an avoidant person but when I’m in critical condition and waking up from emergency surgery 1) I don’t want my mom photographing that and sending the photos around 2) I don’t want my cheating pedophile ex blowing up my phone trying to find where I’m at and contacting my friends and boyfriend 3) I just don’t want to see my boyfriend. I don’t want anyone to see me at all, not even my mom. I hate that I’ll have to break the news to my boyfriend that I don’t want him here because I feel like he’ll take it personal. Truth is we’ve only been dating for 3 months and got back together 2 weeks ago. We’re not close enough for me to be comfortable showing that much vulnerability. I had my ex visit me in the hospital in the past because we dated for 3 years and our relationship wasn’t on again off again so I felt comfortable enough to depend on him as time went on. I’m not mentally or physically okay and I’m not ready to show that side to my boyfriend of 3 months yet.

I can’t talk, it feels too painful to sleep, all I can do is scroll on my phone and I just really wanted to get these feelings out.