Worried my husband (30m) is having a manic/paranoid episode after dropping his Zoloft dose. Bipolar runs heavily in his family.

Hey guys, I'm wondering if my husband (30m) is bipolar. I'm worried about him, and he seems to be displaying symptoms of a manic episode. Bipolar and schizophrenia run heavily in his family, both his brothers on his mom's side and his mother are diagnosed with both.

We've been cycling through arguments for over a year and are currently in couple's counseling. It's mostly been arguments about him not contributing to the household or pulling his weight when it comes to the shared mental load, and also his severe spending issues where he makes a lot of big purchases without consulting me first, making us late on bills. He's a chronic pot smoker and works from home. Usually, he stays up late, sleeps in a lot and takes naps during the day, but he hasn't been doing that at all the last few weeks. I think he's getting normal sleep at least thanks to hydroxyzine.

Instead, he has become completely hyper-fixated on building apps with AI. At first it was just a hobby, but he showed his work to his job and they want him to build things for them now. Because of that, he's now spending 18+ hours a day in Claude building out not only work stuff but also a bunch of side projects. He is extremely obsessed and convinced he's on a "grand path" (his words), and he's basically saying that his work is worshipping him because they're offering him a raise and a new title to take on these app builds. I'm proud of him, but he's become so inflated about it. He talks non-stop about it, and when I bring up my life he doesn't hear what I say and can't acknowledge it. He literally said to me yesterday after I was done talking about a work meeting, "wow I zoned out completely during that.... Now I know how you must feel when I talk about work." He will also get midway through a sentence sometimes and just trail off because "his mind is moving too fast." He has been super irritable about everything, especially when I bring up something that bothers me, but he just claims it's his ADHD.

But the biggest thing I'm worried about is the paranoia. Our couple's therapist is having us work on our "good will" towards each other, but I realized in the last week that he thinks I'm attacking him for every little thing and trying to "control" him. The other day I asked him to turn off his bedside lamp, and he blew up and told me I knew he was reading (I didn't) and that I only said that to piss him off and start a fight. After I tried to defend myself, he said I was a liar and asked me why I was lying to him. He also accuses me of trying to cheat. He told me he doesn't want me to join a local pickleball league because on the website there was a sentence that said "you'll make new friends (or meet your next crush)." Then last week, I invited my friend over and he later told me that she said she has an open relationship and that I was nodding my head the whole time she was telling us, which I have absolutely no memory of at all. He told me he thought he saw one of my other friends driving around our neighborhood.... And he once yelled at his brother for sending me memes on Facebook and told him to never message me again.

I haven't even gotten the worst of it though. He thinks other people are secretly undermining him everywhere. He told me a story his coworker shared about how his son was digging a hole in the backyard with a shovel and the shovel broke. My husband is completely convinced that the coworker was secretly using that story as a metaphor to make fun of him.

Then, this past weekend, he went up to visit family for a funeral without me because we needed a break from one another and had been fighting non-stop prior. He had an absolute meltdown there. He stormed off right when the service began, leaving his family calling out to him. He claimed that everyone at the service was mimicking his hand movements to make fun of him. The next day, he wrote them a really long, alarming message about how they're all jealous of him and his success in life, that he's on a "grand path," and that he's feeling better than he ever has. He told them they all have work to do on themselves, bragged that he's in therapy so "what's their excuses," and then he immediately blocked all of them. His family messaged me almost immediately asking if he's okay, saying they're terrified for him, and begging me to please keep them updated on his health.

Before he visited family, I couldn't say anything without him going off. I kept trying to reconcile and was turned down twice for sex. Right after he sent that message, a huge switch up happened within him and he's been doting on me and showing me so much affection and saying he wants to focus on our relationship because I'm no longer the main enemy..... But 24 hours prior to that right after he returned he was talking down to me like I was 3 after asking him a question and making me cry and coerced me into sex for only his pleasure. It's been extremely jarring.

The frustrating part is he already sees a (student) therapist who validates everything he says and does as standard anxiety, and he has a psychiatrist. He takes Zoloft, buspirone, and hydroxyzine at night to sleep, but he recently dropped doses on his Zoloft about a month ago. He's not open to other therapists, and she doesn't even accept our insurance so that's been hefty.

I actually expressed concern to his therapist a year ago when he caused a massive scene at a hotel front desk because our dogs were barking while we were out at dinner. He was belittling and talking down to the front desk lady, who was only trying to follow policy, and I couldn't calm him down or get him to stop talking about it. The receptionist almost called the police. Even my parents tried to step in. The therapist responded by telling my husband that I had messaged her and that what I described was alarming, which caused a huge rift between us and broke his trust in me completely. He woke me up in the middle of the night just to tell me he couldn't trust me. I only wanted to add context because I feel like he's not being honest with her. I don't trust her to message her ever again, and plus it should be his own responsibility to be honest anyways. I admit I made a mistake messaging her, and regret it every day.

I feel like this is my fault. We've been together 10 years now and in the early years, when I first found out that his whole family had bipolar disorder, I told him I wasn't sure what I would do or if I would stay if he ended up with it. I was 22. He still brings it up today even though it was about 8 years ago. I think that statement is preventing him from being honest with me or keeping him in deep denial. But leaving it untreated is doing so much worse. I've apologized profusely for saying it and told him I love him and care about him and only want to see him healthy, but he still holds onto it.

My individual therapist thinks he's likely a covert narcissist and sent me a bunch of resources about it, and yeah, those traits definitely sound accurate, but with the family history and the recent medication drop, I still think it could be something much deeper and more clinical.

Sorry for the long ramble, but I need to get all this out somewhere because I can't really talk about it with anyone else in my life right now. Any advice or insight is appreciated.