Hi, I’m Serena , I’m 18 years old and transitioning has been something that has been on my mind for quite some time now. Growing up in a Muslim household and black family, came with its challenges especially when I realized I was a part of the LGBTQ community at 13. At the time , I had believed for a short period of time that I was bisexual but then later realized that due to my upbringing it was just my brain finding some sort of reason to like women because of heteronormativity. Then I realized I was gay and my parents didn’t handle it very well, which resulted in a significant decline in my mental health leading to my depression. It got so bad I had to be taken to a mental health hospital, and then I was later given a therapist. It helped so much , with time I was able to gradually become more comfortable with myself and my identity, and then I realized that I was probably trans too. As a kid, I loved playing with “boy” toys but once I was introduced to “girl”toys,   something clicked within me . I felt a strong connection towards girlhood, the clothes , shows, everything tbh I envied that so much . But there was a problem, I was afraid, afraid of the trauma that I had experienced at 13 with my parents reaction to my sexuality to occur again but times ten when they figure out that I’m trans . And this resulted in such a long process of me wanting to transition but also not out of fear . If I transition, society would look down on me , family , relatives, everything will be much harder . If I were to stay as a gay man, I would still have it hard but at least I wouldn’t be trans and struggle especially being a black trans woman. There have been instances where I have cancelled appointments with my hrt journey because of this lingering fear, of rejection and pain, of the harm that I could potentially face as a black trans woman . But I want to be authentically me, every time I give it up those thoughts return tenfold , I want to be a woman, dress the way I want and look the way I want . I don’t want my body to masculinize, that’s my biggest fear, the fear that if I wait too long that I won’t pass whatsoever . I want to be loved by a man who appreciates all of me but doesn’t fetishize me . I noticed that whenever I gave up transitioning briefly, I would crave male validation as a gay man and would be treated horribly and objectified. I believed that if I showed them what they wanted I would be truly loved and maybe if I am loved I am bury this deep desire to transition but it never went away . Whenever I think of being a trans woman, I don’t care much about men , because I know that I would be comfortable in my body and myself enough to not feel the need to seek that love from men. I start hrt in July , a day after my 19th birthday next month . I plan on going stealth and hiding my hrt and since I’m dorming for college this fall that definitely helps free. I’m tired of hiding what I truly want to please others and my parents. Religion has made me feel so worthless and alienated in my own home. I’m not even religious and haven’t been for years . I know that my life moving forward will have its challenges but after everything I’ve been through I’m still here . I think I can handle what comes next. Thank you for reading all of this , much appreciated. Also this is how I look currently pre hrt, is there anything I can do to further feminize my face ? 

Journey ahead