My birthday is the worst day of the year

I have never had a legitimate good birthday in my life. Even in the happier ones, my parents made sure to serve a heaping serving of guilt and shame to dampen my spirits.

For example, when I was eleven, I wanted to go to the movies with my friebds from school and have a sleepover with my best friends. We had so much fun at the movies but, when it was time for the sleepover, my mother pulled me aside and told me that all the other children were sad, angry and confused why they didn't get to be a part of the slumber party. I carried that guilt for not being able to host them all (you know? As a child. Even though my parents were the ones to put limits on those sort of things!) for a long time.

When I turned 18, I wanted it to be special. There was a rock and roll bar in the city I lived at the time that was so cool; I invited my whole class to be there. Everyone RSVP. My dad then said that, for the time of my party, online those 18 and up would be allowed in. Half the class couldn't go/didn't show. My dad laughed at my disappointment.

When I turned 21, I wanted to go to my favorite sushi place. It was all I wanted. My younger brother decided that he didn't want to eat sushi on my birthday. My mother forced me to go to this awful Mexican restaurant that face everyone food poisoning. I was told I was being childish for being sick and upset.

My father postponed other birthdays of mine, like, two weeks later because he needed to justify the expense and cover up his mistress spending. (As in, he would only celebrate my birthday after he treated his mistresses to something nice, show my mom the expense and say it was for me and then take me to have a mediocre meal at the mall).

Last year, they stood me up for most of the day and, when my friends got fed up with their treatment of me and invited me over from an impromptu party, they called and messaged and nagged about me "disappearing" on them and they "had gotten everything ready for me" the whole day. It was a lie. They left to rub errands and for my dad to get a haircut/buy things for himself. When I got back from the party (which I left early because if the nagging), they were in their bed, scrolling on their phones. The cake they got was the one I actively hate. There wasn't anything ready. Not even the gift they said they got me (and when I did get the gift, it was broken).

All this to say: I hate my birthday. It's a miserable day. It's always been the worse day

I see people being celebrated and loved and wanted by their friends and family on their birthday and I just fucking wonder what that would be like. What it would be like to be remembered and cared for and loved like that. To not have to beg for scraps.

I'm so far away from friends now. And one of the friends I considered one of the closest called me annoying and exhausting and told me she didn't have the energy anymore to deal with me (even though she makes a point out of spending time with all of her other friends and posting about them online to rub it in)

I'm so far away from friends and my family is so awful ti me that fucking stupid awful day.

I'm so lonely. I'm so alone. My mom's gift to me this year is apparently influenza, so I'm also sick.

I'm so sick of me. I wish I were worthwhile.i wish I was loved and cared for. I wish my birthday was a good day I'm so sad my teeth are aching