Is my entire personality just the result of my trauma?

I'm having a weird morning and just pouring these thoughts here because I have nobody else. There's no obligation to respond but thank you for listening to me.

I'm in a strange place right now (ha, mentally and physically) because I just left one place that I had been staying on and off for nearly 2 years since my breakdown, and now I've got a few days off before I start a new treatment programme somewhere totally new to me. For the next couple of days, my dad is taking me to visit somewhere really special to me before I leave to start my new life. Or what I hope will be a second chance at life.

But the thing is. My head is fucked.

I know everyone's is, that's why we're on this sub, but. There's this thought that just keeps eating away at me. The more work I do. The more I accept the trauma I had been hiding from. The more I learn to understand why I'm so scared, why I'm always saying sorry and trying to be small and frozen in place and have no words. I see it's all trauma. I get that now. But.

What's left of me?

If my silence, my politeness, my fear, my people pleasing, my need to run and move, my escape into fiction--if it's all damage, then what am I? What's left of me under the trauma responses?

This new programme, this new start, is supposed to be my chance to finally start healing that trauma and having a life that's really mine. But I've been broken since. Ha. God. Before I was born. I was never safe, not even in my mother's body. Everything I am is damaged.

What if that's all I am?

I swear to god, I'm not trying to avoid healing. I want this new start. I want to stop hurting. I do.

But I'm so fucking scared.