Trapped

I don’t want to be alive anymore. It’s been 13 years of depression that has only gotten worse. Therapy, medication, TMS, in-patient, out-patient, and calls and messages to numerous hotlines have all been fruitless. I can’t maintain relationships. I’m barely employed. Getting out of bed is hard. Eating is hard. Nothing brings me joy anymore. Even the most basic tasks feel like endless work with no reward. I’m ashamed of myself and feel like I’m just becoming a worse and worse person. I don’t blame the people who have left my life because I wish I could leave me too. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere.

I fantasize constantly about ending my life. I have no assets, no dependents, no unfinished business, and nothing “left to say.” I just want to disappear. I wish everyone I’ve ever met could just forget about me.

As much as I want to just get it over with, the knowledge of what my death would do to my mom has stopped me from making any attempts. I love her immensely, and I know it would destroy her if I killed myself. She is a genuinely wonderful woman, and I don’t want to cause her more pain than she’s already been through.

I know I am blessed to have someone in my life who loves me as much as she does, but I feel trapped. My staying alive keeps her happy, but it feels unbearable to me. When I was younger, I figured I would just wait until after she died to kill myself, but now… I feel like I can’t possibly wait that long. I genuinely don’t know what to do. I just want it to be over.