I want to get better so badly that I hate myself for it

I hate having so much insight into myself. I stand there thinking 'logically these people don't hate me, I deserve to take up space'... but I end up hating myself more when the anxiety doesn't go away and I end up ruining the interaction anyway. So many of my friends and people online have said that I mustn't be trying hard enough to change my circumstances. But I want to so badly! I want to heal and live well and I know all the ways I can do it (via research, having been in therapy since I was a kid + studying psychology) but absolutely nothing works. I'm just so sad.