I Dont Even Know Where To Start

Sorry for grammar in advance. I am writing this raw because mentally I'm at my whits end. I need somewhere to put my thoughts other than my notes since I am Isolated and alone for the most part. I'm not asking for help, just feedback and advice as to how I can move forward. I'm using a throw away because this has to deal with personal topics and drama. if anyone who knew me seen this, who knows what could happen to me.

It goes much deeper than this but,

For me, my predicament feels unique. I know that's a dumb thing to say, but hear me out. I'm 24. All my life I've always felt like I've been a touch behind. Not because I was incapable of understanding school work, but because i was being misled purposely.

When I was a child, one of my first ever memories was spending time with my stepmother. When I was about 4 My Father Divorced my mom and when i was 5 he introduced me to my step mother. You see, my dad is a very particular man. Not particular in a good way. He is manipulative. Very. It comes with his job. He is in the underworld let's say. So a big part of his personality is imposing his will on people. My step mother on the other hand was a sex worker. I'm not sure on the particulars on how they met, all I know is my step mother wanted to be taken away from the lifestyle and he did just that. With a catch. A catch of which was not specified. Do as he says. Me and my step mother always spent time together from the ages of 5 to around when I was going into grade 6 since that is when we all moved in together and things started to really change. We spent time together because my father didnt want to give me to my real mom for control reasons and he needed someone to watch me when he wasn't around. It started just us going to where my step mom lived which was about an hour and a half away at time time since major highways weren't extended yet, and quickly blossomed into her picking me up from school, taking me to her place if she wasn't going to my dads condo. Looking back to when I was a child I had such fond memories spending time with her. In my child eyes she was the cool parent. My dad scared the shit out of me as a child. He was super raided up and jacked and the roid rage was immesurable, so when my step mom came around it made me forget about that.

You see, most people would be like "what the fuck? I just met you and you want me to constantly watch your kid for you?" Or something like that i don't know. Unless there is an ulterior motive. My step mom didn't live in the best area. She lived with her father. And has 2 kids. She was around 28 at the time. She made more time for me than her two kids. It sounds beautiful the way she valiantly puts it when she speaks to people about it. But in reality, she seen opportunity. Man says he will take you away from the nightlife and put you in brand new Mercedes ofcourse You're gonna watch his kids. That's fine. But would you stay if he cheated on you and beat you for calling him out on it less than a year into the relationship? Then when he starts to beat you till you bruise and bleed infront of all of us and repeatedly cheats just because he gets an ego trip off the fact you continue to stay. I don't think most people would? Who knows.

Anyways, this story wouldve been cut short if she had just left then. Instead she let 20 years of putting up with abuse get to her, and it didn't take 20 years. I could tell immediately when her resentment started to grow for my father. Her objective was always to secure a better life for her children and herself since she didn't have it easy, which is admirable, only issue is I'm the one who was in the way of that. It was about 2 or 3 ish years into them dating when the jewlery and cars that appeared out of nowhere seemed to not quench the pain like she had thought. So like the good mother to her children she is, she started making a better life for them. But this wasn't easy for her. My two older step brother from the moment I met them were no good. They were rotten. Hit me, stole my birthday money, ipod and toys when they'd come over, made me feel like shit as a whole and the moment they would come around my father everything would be good, great actually! When they came around my dad i had the older brothers i had always wanted and I'd believe they liked me until the next time I was with them when my dad wasn't around. Stupid me as a kid didn't understand anything because I trusted cj. I would tell my dad her kids would be mean to me. My dad would go full roid rage mode on her. Step mom in her loving and caring motherly tone told me to never tell my dad anything and to tell her because she knew it would destroy me when he screamed. So I listened partly. Times I told step mother things in confidence as a kid, she knew what to scold her children for to better behave, The times where I didn't listen and I'd tell my dad things they'd do she'd immediately say I was lying and refer to all the times my step brothers acted like my friend the times we would go out to Dave and busters or the movies as a pseudo family. Saying I was overreacting, sensitive and slow for my age since her kids were perfectly fine. Writing this I feel the mental pain I felt as a kid from all the conflicting feelings and things I was told by adults.

Growing up i had major self esteem issues for many reasons. My Father was a body builder and I wanted to be like him, but my 2 rotten step brothers kept making fun of me for it because i was super fat. Ontop of that since I was consious to about grade 9 my father would beat me and yell at me like a grown adult just for wanting to see my real mom. I would get beat for acting silly like any other child. I would get beat for looking at him wrong. One time I got beat because I asked a man to help me carry the large costco waters up from the parking garage and i wasnt strong enough to carry the packs of 34? Or 38? I cant remember. I wasnt even near middle school at that point. But yet every time he beat me and I did what he wanted after, like not see my mom, he would do nice things for me and he would be the most amazing man ever. A summary of my childhood is learning to lie to the wrong people. I once out of innocence in grade 1 told my teacher i wanted to see my mommy. She asked why? I said my daddy won't let me see her. Immediately I was brought to the office and children's aid was called. Long story short I was beat bad and forced to lie to children's aid that everything was okay! What hurts the most looking back is he would send me to my mom's for the children's aid meeting and as soon as the representative left, I'd follow not long after. So naturally instead of my step mom telling my father the truth about how I felt because I'd always vent to her, she decided to go with the "im on the spectrum route" why? To make her children look better.

You see, it really took a turn when we all moved in together. Keep in mind I was so timid and shy because I couldn't even look or speak to my father the wrong way and everyone at home bullied me and at school I was a fat outcast because I didnt have what it took to make friends. But all of a sudden I'm calling my step mom a bitch and all sorts of names when my dad isn't around. I'm getting scolded and beat for shit I didn't do and claimed to be a compulsive liar because why would she lie about that, right? When I've moved schools 3 times at that point and I can barely make a friend I'm somehow mustering up the balls to call my step mom a bitch whom I looked at very fondly prior to and at that point. I was confused. I also was made to do a combat sport against my will as a child which isn't all bad, I'm gonna put my kid in combat sports for sure also. The bad part is how invested my father was in it? I don't even know what to call it. At first i told myself i was doing it just to lose weight, and by the time i hit highschool I got slim but by the time i got slim and wanted to try something else since I didn't like that particular sport, that was a fat no and guess who got a beating. The beating was so bad I forgot I didn't like the sport and I convinced I was doing it to make my dad who always upset at me , happy for once. I thought this until grade 12. Only problem was there was no way I could perform in a high intensity sport like that if my heart wasn't in it. And it never was. I'd show up to tournaments and just lose bad because I was already exhausted from the fact I was lying to myself and I had no choice. By the time highschool hit I was practicing 5 times a week 2 times a day. Club and school practice. It was a blessing to do the sport I did, I just wish I spent my youth doing something other than whatever the fuck my dad said I had to do. But keep that in mind. I was dealing with all the issues I faced as a kid and still being exhausted because things didn't change. They got worse. And everything was compounding as each year passed. The whole time I was doing the sport I definitely was not the best. And for the amount of time I'd show up to practice I should've been alot better. But I wasn't. By the end of grade 9 I was being told and treated like I was special by my family. I would vent to my step mother how I didnt like the sport and I don't want to do it and the whole 9 yards and not only would she tell my dad that, she would tell him I was slow because I have not been improving and I've been losing in tournaments, and surely someone who practices that much would be good. Meanwhile I had just taught myself to have the largest loser mindset as a defense mechanism just so i can be back home and hide away in my room like i always did, away from everyone. In my mind, nothing could embarrass me more in than the ways i had been demoralized and made fun of to that point. So already the seeds were planted. Since i was 5 apparently I was a liar, slow and lazy, anything but a growing child and nothing but worse than her 2 shit head children. Grade10 hits and my dad said I HAVE to move up to heavyweight. He force fed me during the summer after grade 9, I blew up from 180 to 230. I was fat again exept self esteem hit a new low.

I need to mention. Up until about 2 and a half years ago I was slowly unraveling things because I just had this bad gut feeling to where what I learned throughout my life was wrong. Let me explain. I was gaslit so hard into believing my father is a good man. When I said I wanted to be like him, I wanted to be like him in every aspect. I thought I would be cool like i thought he was. So I ate up everything he told me without thinking. A key moment for me was when I was at a tournament and I was bragging I made the world team. Mind you, I only made it because I had placed 3rd at nationals out of a 4 man bracket and the next day for trials I had one other person to fight and loser got runner up position. I won. Mind you I wasnt good. I was fat and unathletic and I cant explain how I won but it would make sense if I explained. Anyways. A coach heard me call myself a world team member and told me everyone else calls me that because they think I'm shit, my maim coach yelled at the other coach and said like im some baby "NO THATS NOT HOW I WANT TO DO THINGS, FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT", then he smiled at me in an expression i recognized and repeated "fake it till you make it". And I took a moment to think and I was like yeah, they do sound sarcastic don't they. And it just stung way too much after that in the moment to think about it. But when I had time to think about it, i realized I was being sheltered for some reason? I realized my dad was lying to me but I didnt know why? I knew i wasn't good and I was just happy I got an opportunity for bragging rights because I didn't have much to brag about. But he kept saying i was good? But only when I asked? Everytime I said I wanted to stop and try something I wanted to do it was threat after action after the whole 9 yards and young me was too exhausted to deal with it because I didn't understand. But no, I'm slow.

Grade 12 comes and covid hits, the sport is out and i hate my body. I tell my dad i want to lose weight because I'm not happy with my body. Mind you, I had a terrible anterior pelvic tilt, big belly, I was built like an S. He said "NO" because I wrestle at heavyweight and when this all blows over I'll be back. I proceeded to lose 80 pounds in 6 months. The amount of arguments I had to have with that man over co troll of my own body during that time was insane. But I fought through it and I transformed my body completely. I looked like a model no exaggeration. I won't get into that era too much but remember when I said I wanted to be cool like my dad? Well then was my time! I was a womanizer. I was terrible. I did heavy drugs. Used women. All the bottled up trauma made everyone my subject. And it was all encouraged. Everytime i felt the slightest bit of guilt id get told to stop being like my mother and listen to my father. All while this was happening my step mother grew to resent ME. My father to this day continues to fuck all my step moms friends behind her back and when she finds out, he tells her it's because she won't fuck him and she will tell me in confidence that it's all her fault for having a low libido after having 4 kids, oh and yeah they had 2 more. So her seeing and hearing girls heartbroken over me doing degeneracy really triggered something in her. She needed an outlet to take out her bottled up drunken rage. She could've left at the beginning and still had a sense of self, but the years of abuse made her forget who she was, and all she currently is, is a vessel of all the trauma she's been put through on her quest to secure a better life for her kids and herself. From 2021 to now if I bring home any girl she will do her best to ruin it for me by telling them I am a womanizer and they deserve better. Which honestly didn't bother me much. What did damage was the fact everyone knew I would lie about where I was going. Which is stupid in itself because in 2021 I turned 20 and why the fuck am I only allowed out of the house to go box at the illegally opened boxing gym under quarantine restrictions but I can't hang out with girls? Shame on me for lying about driving to practice to see a girl. I didn't do that all of highschool because I was at practice 7 times a fucking week and I was fat and ugly. I felt like I missed out on so much and I'm getting punished into my 20s? I promise I looked like a absolute model, and i got treated even fucking worse by my family. She did a good job at convincing my dad i was terrible and an un trustable liar because I wanted to experience a childhood i never had because ever since weightloss and being out of highschool, people treated me like a person! I made friends and found out I was i fact normal, because keep in mind I had major self esteem issues and always questioned if I really was dumb. I made friends, and the more friends I made the more people told me I need to get out.

By fall 2024 I lost myself. Between all the traumas from my childhood and feeling like there is a major disconnect between me and the people around me, I just didn't understand why my family, especially my step mother and brothers never treat me with respect and my father is always telling me I said and do things I haven't done. My step mom would speak on my behalf to my father and my father trusts her word so much more over mine since I've been a liar for 20 years since I was 5 when I told my dad her kids were being mean to me and they'd show up like the most well behaved kind kids ever around my dad. In 2022 I was facing some serious time so to cope I was doing heavy drugs. By 2024 I was completely gone. I was aggressive, super religious and I didnt enjoy the things I used to enjoy like training.

One night I got into an argument with my parents over something I don't even remember. It was nonsense. I was in psychosis. I was just nuts. I let myself go. No one to blame but myself. I let these things get to me. I decided while drunk and high to tell my parents during our argument I was going for a drive. They called the police on me. If this was any other parent I'd say they did it because they cared about my health. But they're my parents. I was in the psych ward for a week and a half right before christmas. I was so out of it i pulverized the person sharing the room with me for pissing too loud and ended up 3v1ing some security guards until they put me in a guillotine. I was restrained. I needed that stay in the psych ward. I was beyond mentally gone. I got better fast as the shame of being a 225 lean model looking guy in the psych ward woke me up. The Dr diagnosed me with drug induced psychosis and I had to get 4 follow up shots after my visit. At first I thought things were getting better because my parents were giving me my space to recover. I felt ashamed I let my drug habit get to that point and I assured them I'd be good. The whole story can be summed up by the word projection. My step mom Has a bad coke habit. I know myself and since I've gotten out it's been tough, but I haven't done blow, psychedelics or anything else. But because she is a crippling addict and likes to act like she isn't and better than everyone, my dad believes her when she says "she knows how addicts are" and i get profiled like how she should profile herself. Many times I've tried having as little as a glass of wine at a family gathering when they know alcohol was the least of my issues, and they try to make an example of me infront of people like I'm some baby. Meanwhile when we are at home they will see me pour wine in the kitchen and not say a word. I gained 60 pounds over 2024 due to depression and not being able to leave the house and just shame. I lost myself mentally and physically.

Me losing myself because all the compounding issues I've been facing has given my stepmother the wiggle room to make me the Cinderella of the household. For years I never understood the game she was playing. I'm delegated to do the house chores. I've been cutting 5 acres of grass every week and a half by myself since grade 9. That's how I spent my 15th birthday because I didn't want to go to practice and my step mom egged my dad on and saying I was lazy and needed to do something. On my 15th birthday. Since it's been the same. We live in the middle of nowhere, my license is gone, need to see a doctor to confirm I don't have alcohol misuse disorder for a mistake I only dared to make one time when I was mentally unwell. I hate how I got behind the weel impaired but part of me is happy my parents did call the police so I didn't end up hurting someone else. Issue is I can't work, we're far from everything, no busses, users cost a billion bucks and I'd have to be Jeff bezoz to afford both ways and still atleast break even for the day. My parents know this and they make sure to make everything 10x harder for me to do. They won't take me to a doctor unless I do everything properly. And that's if I don't argue with them for assuming I'm alot weaker and dumber than I am. No matter what i say they say i was in the psych ward for a drug problem. Which is such a fucking slap to the face because my step mom had a similar episode exept she didnt go to a hospital. Want to know why?! It was about her getting disrespected by my father. Saying he uses her to be a stay at home wife. He made her feel crazy for thinking that. Why am i being put down? I was proudly able to stop coke and other drugs by myself with no one's support and they still speak to me like I'm not able to control myself. I've done blood tests, everything. Nothing changes their tone. I don't know why. I've lost 30 pounds over the past 3 months because I'm just sick of this shit. I get judged and laughed at and looked down upon because I looked the way I did and look how I turned out. Fat, jobless and "heavily dependant on my parents". Mind you I'm not trying to paint myself as an angel and they're villains. I've done my fair share of bullshitting. But the facts are the facts and this is what's been happening. These days I go into the forest and call my mom. If my parents found out I'd never hear the end of it. I don't know how to get out of here. I've been trying online stuff but it hasn't been working since I lost my license. The way things are, I'll be trapped here forever doing chores with no fairy godmother in sight. I want to see the look on their faces if I ever get successful. My father as a whole has a huge ego, and because so many people in his circle are dependant on him he thinks I can't do anything without him.

What caused me to write this was yesterday I asked for the air conditioner to be turned down because i sleep in the basement and its cold down here. My dad turned it down. Then i asked for a tractor technician to come look at the tractor because our new battery died fast and I don't know why. He said to go fix it after I tried jumping it multiple times and not even getting the engine to ignite. I said I tried my best and there's nothing more I can try. He yelled and said to do what I'm asked of. I didn't. Because I tried for a while at that point with our battery pack charging it multiple times. He proceeds to turn the air colder in the basement. That's basically my life in a nutshell.

What can I do to gain my independence???!