I just can't cope anymore

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​In this post, I am venting because I have severe brain fog, memory issues, a complete disconnection from my body, and physical problems like constipation and constant fatigue. On top of that, I have no help from my family and I am forced to manage this illness completely alone.

​I miss melatonin so much. It was the only treatment that allowed me to sleep early every night and recover a little bit, even if there were some hiccups. I absolutely hate seeing time pass without being able to do much. I know I need a real baseline treatment, but right now, I can't go to the doctor. I am completely all alone, with zero help, and it is weighing on me immensely.

​First of all, can we talk about how insane it is to not feel your own body? Like seriously, I feel my physical sensations so little and I just can't take it anymore. I feel like I have every single physical problem on Earth. I have constipation, my bladder is completely full... I am at my wits' end. Right now, I hurt my neck because my pillow is terrible, but I didn't even realize it at the time because I don't feel my body's sensations. I was so hyper-focused on my bladder that I completely missed everything else. On top of that, I turn on the AC at night, so then I get way too cold and it wakes me up in the middle of the night. Nothing is working.

​Plus, things are going really badly with my family. They don't help me. Sometimes I am so exhausted and desperate that I ask them for food or water, and they won't help me. My house is not easy to move around in either: I have to slide down the stairs on my butt, and I crawl back up on all fours... I just don't know anymore. I try to do everything I possibly can, and it's still not enough.

​It is so incredibly hard to manage this illness all alone. I feel like I constantly have to force myself to focus on my body and my sensations, and it makes me feel like my entire environment is a hazard. Every single little thing becomes a threat. Because of all this, I am completely pushed to the limit and I am way too tired. I keep getting into arguments with people because I am doing so badly, and they don't understand why I stop talking or why I isolate myself.

​The thing that frustrates me the most right now is forgetting things, making the same mistakes 50,000 times, and always overanalyzing everything. I used to keep a little journal to help me manage, but I haven't written in it for a long time. Now, I write notes on my phone, but it doesn't work because I still forget to check them. I am so overwhelmed that I'm thinking about sticking Post-its and tape absolutely everywhere on the walls just to have the reminders right in front of my eyes at all times. I desperately need to find another solution.

​But I know very well that every single day, I need to think about sleep. Focus entirely on sleep. I have to focus on that and absolutely nothing else. Really, on how I am going to manage my sleep, how I am going to experience my sleep, and so on. That needs to be the absolute priority. I need to think about it all day long: sleep, sleep, sleep. Because right now, I don't know what to do anymore, I am just so sick of it.

Pure ragebait lol