I’m a 18yr old girl who misses a 31yr old man I used to sext.

I haven’t been in a relationship in over a year ever since my last one was genuinely damaging asf. I hate loosely using words like “gaslit” but my ex convinced me I had bipolar disorder and told me I shouldn’t trust my mom (who is an incredible woman but had some suspicions about him). My therapist had to explain to me why I wasn’t crazy, and when I ended our year-long relationship he accused me of being similar to a serial killer in the way that I do things because I only feel like they are right on my end. Anyways…that ended a year ago.

Before that, I had another friend walk out on me after I refused to have a fwb situation . I liked him for over 3 years.

This is when we finally get to the 31yr old guy I was speaking to. This man used to film pornography of himself. He texted me after I made this post about having an embarrassing girlfriend asmr channel (because I do lol) he related with me about having to keep things not awkward. I much later discovered how kinky he was, and trust me, I’m not blind I know he probably has grooming tendencies. He would praise the shit out of me, and it resulted in us mutually masturbating and typing nasty stuff to each other. It was disgusting and so freeing.
I already have been writing poetry for over 11 years now so the imagery wasn’t too hard to type. I never sent a photo of myself, but I got off to being the little slut in his pocket (Jesus, I need help) he made me feel like sex was something I could actually enjoy. I was so used to it being horrible, that doing it digitally without the possibility of being forcibly put down or harmed felt incredible. His account got randomly deleted. I miss him.