A 13 year old friendship, decayed.

It’s been about three weeks since I put a stop to my friendship with my “best friend” of thirteen years, and I’m so tired of the vacancy I feel in my heart.

This’ll be the second and final time I’ve removed myself from her life.

The context needed: we met online on a game when we were children over decade ago, where she also met her now husband, and our friendship has been digital since. We’ve only ever met twice, once last year and a second time a few months ago.

There were a few red flags that had popped up in my head over the last couple of years, and I’m trying to remember if there were more prior to her man making a reappearance in her life, but I honestly can’t remember because there was so much in that duration that made me think maybe our friendship was off balance.

It started with her visit to the US to see her son to be in laws, but never having made the offer or thought to visit me, too. She’d known us for about the same amount of time, and the role of a best friend is not like most, but to not even get a consideration? We did eventually meet up for three days and a couple of nights, and there was a lot that I deduced from meeting her in person that both matched what I knew of her, and didn’t know of her. One instance, I was telling a story about how I was licking a tub of mashed potatoes and gravy, and stopped talking when a stranger walked into the elevator. She probed and said “what were you saying about licking the gravy?” And watched me be uncomfortable. I told her later I did not appreciate that, and she apologized.

Later that year, she made a pretty hurtful remark about how my crush at the time was “saved” from me by God, and that was just so cruel. Not only am I so hard on myself and overthink and try to build myself up everyday, am I that God-awful to be in a relationship with someone? This is relevant because any time I’d make mention of yearning, it’d be met with one of three responses: you need therapy first, you’re nowhere close to ready for a relationship, or you’ll get there eventually.

The last two instances are the most recent ones that tipped off my decision to take a step back. The first is when, in front of her friends that I hadn’t met before but was finally meeting in celebration of her wedding, she threw out my biggest weakness and said “x can’t stand up for herself at all,” and watched for my reaction. We weren’t even talking about me??? I again told her after we dispersed, not okay, not appreciated, and she apologized.

Lastly, when I was venting about being sour to see lovebirds, and she told me for a third time I “need to fix that.” I told her I’m trying, it’s part of a larger problem with how I haven’t been optimistic in a more concerning sense as of late, and she kept pushing and told me to at least clean my room. I told her again I’m trying to. Ten minutes later I sent a gag reel about what my future man could be like, and she said it’s a long time before that’s going to happen. I try to be optimistic and say “you never know, we’re only halfway through the year. And there’s the next!” And she doubles down and says she hopes not and that I’m not ready to marry within a year. I thanked her for her optimism sarcastically, and she stuck to her guns and found (what felt like) the closest excuse as to why I “seriously” am unfit for love. From there, she ignored my text for a day, continued to talk in the group chat with her and the rest of her friends that I’d met while sidestepping my messages, and still never said anything back. And in case you’re wondering, even 12 days later, she never sent a follow up text on her doubling down.

This was a long read I know, thank you if you’ve made it this far. I’m trying to mask it and be okay and indifferent to the falling out, even if I know she couldn’t care less and I’ve just been deceiving myself for years that she considered me close to her. We used to talk everyday, even on days I didn’t feel like talking. She’d be my go-to person for just about almost anything. Art, opinions, interactions with people, things I’ve learned, stuff I’m pondering about. I thought we kept things real and were able to be mature about our feelings, even when I’d be an unbearable friend and have my moments where I’d argue with her about how I felt slighted by her, whether it had grounds to it or not.

But to not share about her life as much. To say I need therapy when she herself hasn’t gotten therapy to be with her soulmate. To me traveling to see her twice and pull and strain to ask if she’d do the same when she’s financially able to do so. I don’t know. There’s a lot more to it, I guess. I’m trying to lean into my pre existing friendships and find depth/compartmentalize there, but it’s just not the same. Oh well.