We communicate really well… until we talk about commitment.

I’m hoping to hear from people who’ve actually been in a similar situation because I’m kinda conflicted.

I have been talking to this guy for a while now. We have great convos, we can talk about almost anything, we flirt, we joke around, and one thing I really admired about him from the start was how brutally honest he is.

The problem is… the more serious our convos became, the more I realized we have very diff ideas about what commitment looks like.

Recently, he told me that even if we became serious, he doesn’t think he can be fully monogamous. He says it’s simply part of who he is and that he can’t change that. He also said it’s part of his dom personality. He told me that I would still be his serious partner, but he would still need the freedom to ‘explore’ with other women.

I didn’t get angry (because we’re not even together). I actually thanked him for being honest because I’d rather hear an uncomfortable truth than be lied to.

I tried to explain my perspective as calmly as I could. I told him that when I’m committed, I’m 100% committed. Loyalty isn’t something I negotiate once I’m in a relationship. I don’t want to spend nights wondering, overthinking, or trying to convince myself to be ok with something that I know would slowly hurt me.

I also made it clear that I wasn’t trying to control him. I even told him that he’s free to make whatever choices he wants. If he genuinely feels he needs that lifestyle, I’m not going to stop him or try to change him.

What I did say was that I don’t think I could fully commit under those circumstances because I’d constantly feel unsettled. We could only be friends though.

At one point, he told me that what I was saying sounded controlling because, in his eyes, I was basically saying, “If you do that, you lose me.” From my perspective, that wasn’t what I meant at all. I wasn’t saying, “You’re not allowed.”

I was saying, “If that’s who you are, I know this isn’t something I can emotionally handle.” To me, that’s a boundary, not an ultimatum.

We kept talking for hours. Eventually, he told me he wasn’t going to force me to change who I am, and I told him I’d never tried to force him to change either. We agreed that if we continue getting to know each other, we should always bring concerns up instead of bottling them up. I also told him I hope “progress” means we both grow together— not that only one of us slowly learns to accept something that hurts.

He actually agreed with that.

One thing that makes this more complicated is that he wants the freedom to ‘explore’ with other women, but he doesn’t want me to have that same freedom with other men. He said he wouldn’t be able to handle it emotionally and it would hurt him. Sounds unfair, I know.

Now I’m left wondering…

I’ve been firm about my boundaries, but I’m also not against compromise if it’s something I can genuinely be at peace with.

Note that I’m not committing to changing my boundaries or agreeing to this dynamic. I’m simply curious whether anyone who’s been in a similar situation has actually found a healthy middle ground that worked for both people.

Has anyone here been in a relationship like this? If so, what did your middle ground look like? Did it genuinely work long-term, or did you eventually realize your values were just too different?