my story of letting him go

Hi. I want to share the story of my 3-year relationship - my second serious one.

TL;DR: Don't ignore red flags.

We met at work through a group chat. Eventually, I messaged him privately because he was one of the few people there who actually wrote thoughtful, intelligent messages. That was rare on that chat and, honestly, in my life at the time. I was 19, and he was 29/30.

At first, when we started getting to know each other in person and hanging out after work, he was clearly interested in me. I told him nothing would probably come of it, but eventually I realized he was sweet and attractive, so we started dating. A few months later, we officially became a couple.

Things were never truly great, but we both tried, and over time, we developed genuine love and attachment. After a year together, I broke up with him. A week later, I begged him to take me back, even though I wanted him to change many things about his behavior. I was too attached, and I gave in to my immediate emotional needs instead of walking away from someone who simply wasn't a good match for me.

We became emotionally dependent on each other in a very unhealthy way. We kept making each other more and more miserable, but I couldn't leave. The good days seemed to make up for everything - or at least I wanted to believe they did. I clung to him tighter and tighter, convincing myself that if I just tried harder, everything would finally be okay.

I wasn't perfect either. I've been seeing a psychologist, and I've worked hard to stop unhealthy behaviors like yelling, being verbally aggressive, or becoming mean during conflicts. I really have changed, but for him it was never enough.

At one point I gave him an ultimatum: either you start therapy or we're done for good, because there's no point in making each other suffer. We both cried. He actually went to therapy and paid for it himself, even though he didn't believe it would help and didn't like it. He only went a few times before quitting. I wasn't angry about that -I appreciated that he at least tried, even if nothing really changed afterward.

He broke up with me seven months ago.

We both made mistakes and neglected the relationship in different ways, but I always felt like I was the one carrying it. I constantly felt like I was doing the work of two people, but we both became exhausted.

Even then, I dreamed we'd get back together and finally make it work.

After the breakup, I asked if we could stay friends because I couldn't imagine life without him. He was the closest person I had. I don't have close friends or just friends I can meet with. I'm pretty lonely - I only text two male friends occasionally and talk to my family, whom I rarely see.

Originally I wanted a period of no contact, but the breakup happened so suddenly that it felt like there were still many things left unsaid from his side. We exchanged many very long messages full of regret and remorse, but always respectfully. He didn't seem to resent me anymore. I still resented him. I thought that since he finally recognized his mistakes, he'd want to work on them.

He didn't.

He had simply given up.

About six weeks ago, we started seeing each other regularly again because I suggested it. He stopped acting disgusted by sharing food with me or drinking from the same bottle. He would poke my nose, pull my cheeks, and when I annoyed him as a joke he'd lightly grab me by the neck and pretend to choke me. It was playful, cute, and honestly sexy.

Even my psychologist said he was sending very mixed signals while also insisting we would almost certainly never get back together because our problems seemed impossible to solve.

He kept rejecting me, yet I could still catch the way he looked at me sometimes. The chemistry was still there, even though he denied it.

As time went on, he started denying almost everything. He stopped taking responsibility for his behavior. Apologizing became harder and harder for him - to the point where, near the end of the relationship, he could barely force the words out. He manipulated me without realizing it, gaslit me, projected his own flaws onto me, and could never give concrete examples during arguments. I was always the one who prepared for difficult conversations. He shifted all responsibility onto me, was rude while insisting everything was my fault, breadcrumbed me emotionally, lacked empathy, couldn't provide emotional support, and simply wasn't emotionally capable of having a truly close relationship.

I see all of that now.

Back then, I ignored the red flags because I was completely in love with him and I was needy.

I'm actually very grateful things turned out this way because it made it much easier to remove him from my life.

Yesterday we had one final argument over the phone and ended all contact. Afterward, he wanted to send me another long message. I know him well enough to know it was just another list of accusations against me. I told him I didn't want to hear them. He hid behind the idea of wanting "dialogue," but you can't have a real dialogue with someone who refuses to take responsibility. So I blocked him, and I truly hope I'll heal soon.

Before that phone call, he had treated me really badly, so I stopped responding. Every few hours he'd send me another message, each one pushing harder and trying to get a reaction out of me.

Eventually, he apologized—but only for one specific thing. I did called him to explain why I'd gone silent and 1h after he said sorry (for that one thing) and he had texted me saying he'd had "some reflections" and that we'd talk about them someday. I genuinely thought he meant he'd reflected on how poorly he had been treating me and wanted to change. I told him he was treating me worse than a dog.

He admitted that he'd basically stopped caring about me because I kept making the same mistakes and forgetting the agreements we'd made. The thing is, I was always the one making lists of the changes we'd both agreed to work on. He never once took the initiative to help me with that, even though he knew I genuinely struggled to remember and stick to those agreements. I'm neurodivergent; he isn't. It says a lot more about him than me. I was the one who was reading those list all the time, all over again. He not.

Even if someone has those kinds of difficulties, it's never an excuse to treat them without respect or to mistreat them. Everyone deserves basic kindness and dignity, regardless of the challenges they have.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

His "reflection" was simply that we still couldn't get along and that maybe we should limit or cut off contact altogether.

Lol.

It would have been much harder to do that if he had still treated me well.

Right now I'm focusing on rebuilding my life and meeting new people. I'd love to have a close female friend someday, and ultimately I deeply want a strong relationship with an emotionally mature man - someone with whom we'll see each other as extraordinary despite our flaws. Everyone has flaws, but some of them simply shouldn't be accepted.

He was a good man in many ways - intelligent, funny, and handsome, caring about his mother and cat.

But he was also deeply lost, incredibly rigid in the way he thought, and ultimately unwilling or unable to change. I feel sorry for him.