Boyfriend (20M) of 5 months and I (18f) broke up

Two days ago my boyfriend and I broke up, and I’m devastated. It feels like I lost not only a romantic partner that I love so much, but also a best friend; someone that I can open up to and be vulnerable with, while also sharing laughs and intimate moments with.

Leading up to the breakup he was so caring and expressed so much love to me. It as if nothing had changed. Buying me gifts, buying personal care items for me to keep at his home, getting jealous (he’s not at all a jealous person and has never been jealous in any of his past relationships. This was his first time getting jealous in a relationship), wanting to stay out later to spend more time, verbal expression of love etc. But then we had an argument and he told me that he wasn’t ready for long term and that he wants to be single to find himself. I tried to reason with him and say things can work out, but he ended up telling me that he didn’t love me anymore. And it makes me so mad because he was cuddling and kissing me before this, so I thought we were going to figure things out. It feels like he was leading me on…

I tried to get more information from him, like how long he felt this way and he said his love for me was declining the past week. This made me bawl my eyes out because it made me realise that he used me for sex the past week. I never had a good relationship with sex, and he knows my past and morals behind sex. We had sex a day before he wanted to breakup and when I brought that up he told me that he only had a little love for me then but it doesn’t matter if he had a little love, 10% of love is not enough to compensate for the 90% of lust he had. It makes me so mad because I was so tired that day and I originally didn’t want to do anything like that with him but I agreed because I love him so much and I genuinely just wanted to be close to him. I know he’s a good person and would never do anything to intentionally hurt me, but this one specific thing hurts the most. I know he feels bad for it too because he tried not to cry throughout it but I just feel so mad at myself and upset at the situation.

Even after all this, I still want to work things out with him even though it over. I still check my phone to see if he reached out (we’re no contact atm). I think about him constantly and I miss him so much. Part of me hopes that he only said that he didn’t love me because he wanted to push me away and stop reasoning with him about breaking up, and that maybe he still has love for me. I want him to reach out so badly. I want to talk to him but I know I shouldnt be the one to reach out, it would be stupid of me. I’m scared that he’s going to go hookup with other girls or start talking to other girls since he did that often before him and I got together. He told me that he didn’t want that for himself and wasn’t going to do that, and I believe him for the most part but a small part of me think that he will. I mean he did it in the past, whats stopping him from doing it now?

I just desperately want to fix things with him and spend more time with him, but I highly doubt he will reach out. My friends reckon he will, but I would hate to give myself false hope