there probably isnt any reason to stay clean anymore, stupid rambling vent thing

i am not sure of anything anymore, the way i view the world is already faulty: my brain and the chemicals inside are all sorts of fucked. im not even sure if thatd be an excuse or not, but im pretty sure no matter what body id be born in, life would still seem all different shades of ugly; being chronically unhealthy & mentally ill is just icing on the cake. there is no off-button for my thoughts and im the worst kind of insomniac: i know the only thing right now that would bring me peace is relapsing or getting high. i cant stand to keep fucking thinking, ruminating, playing over & over in my head experiences i wish played out differently, etc. there are times in my life i know i was happy but they cant ever come back or be relived, and the only thing that makes me feel better is getting worse.

the earnest truth is nobody out there is thinking of me or would care about what i do to myself. i obsessively think about how people like me are prone to dying at the back of some dumpster in their 30s, and thats just how life goes. sometimes, someone will enter my life and i feel like i see a glimpse of hope for my wellbeing & future, but it is shortlived and i have to face the music again. reality of the situation is im hopeless and weird and sad; every interaction i have is like missing the quick-time response in an interactive adventure game. i cant speak well, i know im going to regress and lose it again. im better at typing-- funnier at writing anyways-- but the times i felt normal were the happiest i ever felt and now theyre gone. i cant believe i was lucky enough to ever feel that way before, but unlucky enough to only feel it once.

idk what i want man fuck, i am just typing my unhinged thoughts to strangers on reddit; i wanna get better so bad, but for what reason? the people i want to impress & love dont care about me anymore. i dont know myself spiritually, i cant even register what emotions im feeling right now, and i put on a different mask every day to try & see if it bodes well with everyone else or if i need to keep sifting for a new one. i just want to be of use to people, or someone. friendly, romantically, sexually; im lonely and keep grieving the person i used to be and cant remember how to act like again. i dont want to repeat my mistakes, but traumatizing myself again would give me instant gratification.

i hate myself; i only think of myself so much that i cant start any fucking sentence with another word than "i". i wish i wasnt insecure and full of angst and impiety. happy people piss me off and make me envious, the only things that get me by is bludgeoning my shitty libido to work. this cycle of waking up and figuring out what im gonna do this day to cope, tormenting myself, and then going back to sleep is unsustainable. i cant respect myself and the only thing i keep trying to reach for in my thoughts is satisfying someone who would disrespect me. or taking my own life, or cutting, or abusing my stimulants, or getting high, or binge-eating, or throwing up, or idfkjfdksg, it odenst matter

i keep pushing to try and meet ppl on the off chance something out of my control will happen and i die or can at least feel desired, useful, or feel good. i cant do anything in this fucking world