honestly no idea where else to put this shit

mentions of rape, abuse, degradation, etc. below . i am at such a loss and just need to publicize this feeling instead of leaving it in my head or only with my sweet boyfriend to bare, i don’t know what else to do right now and i am trying to resist self destructive urges at the moment .

To be completely real i just feel like a disgusting lowlife vermin and Subhuman rat,. I don’t understand why but today i have been having the most intense mood swings and once my mind has started craving a coping mechanism i stay in the low swing.

I honestly have been through so many unimaginably horrific situations that i feel like i have brain damage in the sense that my mind has been rewired to only feel comfort or relief in the midst of violence

i have been raped and assaulted more times than i could begin to count but i was raped again recently , maybe 3 weeks - 1 month ago? which has been causing me to age regress at a much higher rate than before. and can you believe it, my one new year’s resolution was to not get assaulted? Lucky me!!

Today i saw explicit images that a rapist and old friend of mine took of me about a year ago, and with my boyfriends guidance i do think tis triggered the height of my mood swings

I just desire to be sexually harmed and coerced and groomed and beaten. I don’t want someone to be nice to me and not because i feel like i don’t deserve niceties but because rhe stimulus input of being taken advantage of is so soothing, it’s harm i don’t even have to inflict upon myself

i feel disgusting and like this world is loveless and i have no interest in romantic bonding at this moment, only hurt. and my boyfriend is so so good and for that he refuses to engage with this when im in such a mindset which is so kind but so hurtful Because i feel as tho i Need It i just want to be punched and battered honestly, i don’t know what to do with myself or these thoughts. I am a paraphile by nature but i do believe my trauma has encouraged or reinforced existing attractions and i feel so fucking broken, like what is wrong with me and why is it everything even my fucking body is broken

i just want to be harmed and led around by my neck like a dog and screamed at and berated and apologized to sadistixslly, and to be told “i wouldn’t hurt you like this if you didn’t (xyz).” and for me to say “you’re so right im so sorry”
I just want it so badly and i know it’s bad for me but comfort and love in this moment repulses me and i don’t want to cut myself and i’ve been doing so good taking my meds not self harming i’ve even been using drugs much less and i still can’t shake these awful fucking thoughts every day it is something

i feel homicidal or suicidal or self destructive or like torturing others and enacting cruelties and i’m so fucking tired and disgusted with myself i just am craving the simplicity of abuse and naïveté and accepting my reality Or even my true life role

i am so sorry for this post and these shameful admissions and i pray there is coherency because i amBarely holding it together right now thank you for who ever is reading.