i cant keep going like this

i (21F) thought id be much happier now, but im not and i dont care to keep trying
i have a girlfriend (21F) whom i live with, 2 cats that i love so fucking much, and the best support system i could ask for, and still i just want to give up.
i had an attempt in february, havent worked since due to extreme anxiety and completely losing my will to live. why would i apply for a job, go through the hell that is interviewing, just to want to kill myself the entire time? every job ive had ive cried at and considered suicide in the bathrooms. i know life is hard, i know you have to work to survive, but i wonder if all that means is im not meant to. and thats okay. i just wish everyone would stop trying to encourage me to try harder or keep going. im ruining my girlfriends life, shes had to financially support me for months now and she works for a nonprofit humane society. shes so perfect and good and i know when im gone she will realize what a waste of time and money it was
im not even a particularly good person. most of the time im completely sure that no one wants to be around me, and that theyre right for it. im not anything. i disappoint everyone
and despite knowing that im hurting the people around me, i cant bring myself to change. i just dont care and i selfishly want some to reassure me that its okay to feel this way, i want someone to understand my point of view and tell me that maybe im right. i guess i want to be forgiven for my suicide so i wont chicken out next time and i can go in peace and end this suffering. i know there are people who would be sad, but i truly believe everyone in my life has the strength to keep going and make the best of it. especially my gf, i want her to fijd someone who cherishes her and treats her like a princess
ive been mentally ill for what feels like my whole life. i remember the first time i wanted to die i was 12. i think it should be okay to kill yourself if youve suffered that long
of course ive had better times but never just pure happiness. theres always been an undercurrent of “i wont be here much longer”
and maybe thats why things have gotten so bad. i wasnt planning to survive this, and i thought if i did survive this long id just finally be happy. its not fair
its so unfair
i fantasize about my mother holding me in her arms while i drift off for the last time and i want it so badly i start to cry
i want to make peace with my death and stop struggling against my own mind
could someone just tell me its alright? you dont have to approve of my death, just tell me you can see what im saying. i know im not crazy. is it not logical to want to die when youve been in pain this long? i want people to stop looking at me like i killed their favorite puppy when all i did was be honest about what i felt
i know i wasnt meant to be here. i know it