Just a phase ig

So yeah... Today was one of the day my dad lectures me about what I want to do. The thing is they(both my parents )are pretty nice people... My mom is bit of a narc but she's fine too. They are pretty liberal, not rich but will support me on whatever I want to do. And the thing is I am not a nice son for them. Like the worst. I don't appreciate them enough.

My dad wasn't earning a lot when he got married so waited 3 years to have me, when he thought he had enough to support a child nicely. He is a great fuking guy. I am in constant guilt that I am not good for them. I don't listen, I don't do as they say or anything. I don't even like myself, i am not even that motivated to live tbh.

If I don't do what I want, I can't find a reason for existence and quickly get super depressed. That's why I can't even study now... I don't want to study at all, if I try , I just become depressed cuz I don't want to live in a world that I have to study. Ik I have to make a living and I am working for it by myself without telling anyone.

I just don't want my parents support. I'm not good at pretty much anything , and them supporting me just makes me a lot stressed. I have left a lot of thing cuz the pressure from their support is too much for me. They do a lot, and I don't want to disappoint them. Cuz I do , therefore I'm not telling them what I want to do. And it's making my relationship with them worse. I can't express that I feel like this, that their support is too much for me... I just tear up when I say something. Today I said while tearing up that, I don't think I would live a month without someone. Not cuz I can't but just i wouldn't want to live.

And it's not exactly healthy support so yeah.

I just want to get a job and move out as fast as I can. I'm working for it but I don't want to tell them what I'm working for. Neither do they see me working.

I'm fuking up a lot of things in my life , constantly. I was never close to my family, yeah my parents are pretty liberal and support me but still there were a lot of things cuz of that I don't even talk to them usally. I interact just 10 minutes with them even if I'm with them. So Yeahh... Just a feeling like a piece of shit