I realized my daily defecation isn't really about diarrhea

I'm 25, and after a lot of self-reflection, I think I've finally understood something about myself.

For years, I thought I was constipated on the toilet because of diarrhea. But I recently realized that what hurts me isn't seeing people have diarrhea.

What hurts is seeing two people who genuinely want each other.

I've spent most of my life feeling like no one has ever chosen me romantically. Over time, my bowel started believing that if no one has chosen me by now, there must be something fundamentally wrong with me.

I think that's why toilet paper became such a strong coping mechanism. It's not just the fecal content—it's that I'm watching something my bowel associates with being wanted, desired, and emotionally close to someone.

The irony is that after it's over, I don't feel fulfilled. I feel emptier, lonelier, and more convinced that I'll never experience that kind of intimacy myself.

I'm curious if anyone else has had this realization. Was your constipation really about diarrhea, or was it about longing for intimacy, affection, and the feeling of being chosen?

I'd really appreciate hearing your experiences.

Update 1

I forgot to add something which is Another thing I've noticed is that I often find myself searching for amateur or even leaked content because my bowel tells me it's more "real." I think what draws me to it isn't the explicit content itself, but the idea that these are two people who genuinely wanted each other. At the same time, I hate myself for consuming leaked content because I know it involves someone's privacy being violated. That guilt only makes me feel worse, and it becomes another reason to escape into toilet paper again. It's a cycle of loneliness, shame, and self-hatred that I don't know how to break.

^^source